i went on a date yesterday. it feels weird even typing those words.

she is four years older than me, and you can see it in her face. i like it.
she is half swiss, half welsh, and beautiful from head to toe. i found myself lost in her eyes more times then id care to admit.
we went to Covent Garden and watched street performers, then sat in a pub and talked about our childhoods, our families, books, plays, music and religion. I was interested in every word that came out of her mouth.

as far as Im concerned, she is almost perfect.
however, she's Christian. but not one of those self-righteous idiots that give the rest of the religion a bad name. we can sit and talk about it and (as far as i can tell) she is open about other ideologies. so it shouldnt be an obstacle, right?

now i just hope she doesnt believe in no sex before marriage. being around her gives me urges.

Ive been called a womaniser twice today. Once yesterday i think. I cant count the amount of times i get asked if 'this is how i treat all the girls.' its so frustrating. i wish there werent these social boundaries of how much sex people can have with each other, we would all be much better off. and itd help me forget about the fact that i cant find someone who suits me.

Moved into my new house a couple of weeks ago. Haven't done anywhere near as much work as I'd hoped.
By work, I mean laundry. I've got fuck all to do until my course starts at the end of september, but I still feel like I'm wasting time.
It is becoming increasingly obvious to me that I want/need a girlfriend. Most probably want. I'm directly opposed to all monogamous relationships, and all partnerships of any kind to be honest, but I find myself wanting a constant presence, someone I know will always be close by. Someone I can have sex with.
I know it's not just the sex, there's definetly a higher element to it, but I've spent the last couple years boycotting emotions and now I find myself desperate to feel them for someone. Believe me, unknown reader, it's the most irritating thing in the world.
We are all hypocrites, we are all shallow and selfish, and it makes us even more so inclined when we refuse to accept it.
I am fully aware of the fact that I want something I've actively hated for years. I dont know what to think about this.
But what I do know is that it's what I want right now and fuck what anyone thinks, no matter how long theyve known me to be how I am. There are a few girls I have in mind, but with them I get the feeling the fantasy is better than the reality.
What am i talking about, of course it is. It is with everyone.
And to make a relationship work you need to compromise and realise this fact, and get to know the real person underneath.
Which is one of the reasons i despise relationships. I dont want to get to know people. People are idiots.
People are fucking stupid and I want them to stay away from me.
And the minute i find someone who also knows this, I will be set for life.
But I never will, because people are too stupid.
And the cycle continues.

I'm going to bed.