my grandad died yesterday. im already having a pretty shit time at the moment as it is, without this tragic loss.
he was a good man

as far as i can tell

ive recovered from my small bout of heavy depression. or at least, it's gone back inside me.
i can deduce from this that whiskey makes me very, very sad. i like whiskey, it's a shame.

SO i paid this girl a visit yesterday, ive only slept with her a couple of times but we are very fond of each other as sexual partners. god knows why she likes me, but she is an absolute dream. she's canadian, with indian heritage (which you must understand is still a novelty for a white english male who spent the first few years of his sex life sleeping with white english females). She has quite a thick Canadian accent, when i have sex with her i feel like i'm in a porn film because of the way she sounds when she talks/moans.

I sent her a text message when I was on her street walking to her house, and her reply was the following, dictated directly from my phone:
"door's open, help yourself to beers in the fridge!... I wont be too much longer"

As I crack a can of delicious polish lager, she emerges from her bedroom (it's a one story flat) wearing an LBD and thigh high leather boots. She makes sure my beer is alright, hands me a cigar, and then sits me down and kneels in front of me. Needless to say I'm having a great time. After a while she tells me the boots aren't coming off so I need to rip her tights open if I want to fuck her. This goes on, and we get progressively filthier with each other. In between sex, she makes me chicken chorizo rice and mixes up Fidel Castros with a slice of lime coated in brown sugar on the side of the glass.This girl is classy.

I arrive home later that evening and tell one of my housemates about my day. And he says that some guys would literally kill for what Id just experienced, that it would be the happiest day of their lives.
For me it was just quite a nice day.

Just lucky I guess.

im crying right now. everywhere i look is hair clips and earrings and used condoms that have been left behind from girls who have stayed the night in my bed, and its the most depressing thing ive ever seen

apparently when i snore, i sound like i'm dying. maybe i am.

i cant even bring myself to say the word love. ive just watched the fucking star wars prequel trilogy and all the lovey dovey scenes with anakin and padme (there are a LOT) have made me want to cry. not throw up, like when i usually see this shit. i want to cry. i went to the shop to buy rizla and spent five minutes leaning up against my neighbour's fence on the walk home, just crying to myself. i saw a couple, down the street from when i was walking, i couldnt even see their faces but they were holding hands, and i cried to myself.
this blog is slowly documenting my descent into the abyss of depression and loneliness that i feel every single time any sort of emotion is shown to me through media, or in person. my best friend's girlfriend is round our house all the time, and they have such a shitty relationship, but every night he gets to go to bed and someone is there for him to put his arms around. i want that. i feel horrible, i hate myself at the moment, i hate the way i look, i hate the way i talk to people, i hate the way people see me, i hate the degree i'm trying to push myself through, i hate the plans i have for after i finish it, i hate my clothes, i hate my bedroom, i hate all the habits ive spent years forming, i hate everyone i see on the streets, i hate. i just hate, i think. i dont know what else to add after that. i just hate.

earlier i started crying but everyone in the room was too busy watching a film to notice.

i want someone to talk to, but no one will ever really know where i'm coming from. ive been holding back these feelings for so long now, years i think. they are leaking out of my body and there is nothing i can do to stop them and it feels fucking disgusting, i am ashamed of myself

i've come to the conclusion

that i am very, very lonely. i see couples in the street, people kissing on TV or in films, someone mentions love in any situation. i get this sinking feeling.
girls i sleep with have started telling me i'm getting too cuddly. i mean, what the fuck.
girls tell me i cuddle too much.


how fucked is that.

i find it suitably ironic, and extremely depressing, that i am not only adverse to both emotions and relationships, but am finding myself showing emotions towards people because of a lack of a relationship. it's horrible irony.