apparently when i snore, i sound like i'm dying. maybe i am.

i cant even bring myself to say the word love. ive just watched the fucking star wars prequel trilogy and all the lovey dovey scenes with anakin and padme (there are a LOT) have made me want to cry. not throw up, like when i usually see this shit. i want to cry. i went to the shop to buy rizla and spent five minutes leaning up against my neighbour's fence on the walk home, just crying to myself. i saw a couple, down the street from when i was walking, i couldnt even see their faces but they were holding hands, and i cried to myself.
this blog is slowly documenting my descent into the abyss of depression and loneliness that i feel every single time any sort of emotion is shown to me through media, or in person. my best friend's girlfriend is round our house all the time, and they have such a shitty relationship, but every night he gets to go to bed and someone is there for him to put his arms around. i want that. i feel horrible, i hate myself at the moment, i hate the way i look, i hate the way i talk to people, i hate the way people see me, i hate the degree i'm trying to push myself through, i hate the plans i have for after i finish it, i hate my clothes, i hate my bedroom, i hate all the habits ive spent years forming, i hate everyone i see on the streets, i hate. i just hate, i think. i dont know what else to add after that. i just hate.

earlier i started crying but everyone in the room was too busy watching a film to notice.

i want someone to talk to, but no one will ever really know where i'm coming from. ive been holding back these feelings for so long now, years i think. they are leaking out of my body and there is nothing i can do to stop them and it feels fucking disgusting, i am ashamed of myself