It's funny how much can happen in such a short space of time.

Haven't posted in a while, here is the update:
Faced rejection from girl, hated self more than usual. One of the good things about the fact that she said she didn't want to see me anymore, was that it really showed me who my friends are. When word got around we were no longer 'courting', my friends really stepped up and helped me out. I love my friends.
One of them, decided I needed to forget about everything, and so bought me a ticket to Bestival.
For anyone who doesn't know, Bestival is a music festival on the Isle of Wight. We were there for three or four days, there must've been about twenty of us give or take.

Now there's a girl, I've known her for years, and I've always thought she was gorgeous. She is the best friend of my best friend's girlfriend, if that makes sense. She's sort of popped up into my life every now and then, and I always sort of playfully flirted with her but never expected it to go anywhere. She was at Bestival. So I continued to flirt with zero expectations, and also didn't put too much effort into it because I hate having sex at festivals. So dirty.

But we kissed, and ended up spending most of the festival together.
We got back to London and nothing much changed. We spent a lot of time together. I forgot about everything else.

I even thought the first time we had sex would've had to mean something, with my developing feelings for her, but it was so natural it's like we'd been together for years.

We are together now. I asked her to be my girlfriend at 12:33am, the morning of Thursday the 27th of September.
And I've never been happier.

Feeling less and less inclined to update this now I don't have to document my self-hatred and depression, because both of them are pretty much gone.

For now anyway, let's see how this goes.

Still feeling pretty torn up about this particular girl. Last night I dreamt about her.
I had another, separate dream, in which I was above a city with someone, I don't remember who they were, but we were both looking down onto the roads and into houses, and people were dying. They were being torn apart and they were screaming and the ground was opening up and I watched them fall down through the streets and under the ground was just pure fire and I watched the whole population of a city burn. I watched children in a school have their limbs torn off and there was this one girl who looked up at me with half a face, then the ground gave way beneath them and they all fell down screaming and I watched the fire burn their flesh and scar them and disintegrate them. It was a horrible dream.

just got back from the pub. been sitting there with a large number of my closest friends for a while, and all i wanted to do was get home. this is horrible, i can't even be around my best friends at the moment. i don't know whats wrong with me but i know full well it has something to do with being rejected by the only girl who has showed any interest in me, not just my penis but my mind. i know they are all thinking how different i am and i know its true but theres nothing i can do about it, that girl was my ticket out of this fucking hell that i live in. she was my golden ticket on the double N train.
and now she doesnt want to see me anymore i'm stuck, stuck in a rut of having sex with girls i hate, if i even have the time off from being too busy hating myself.
ive got back from the pub and decided i'd masturbate, and ive never felt more pathetic in my entire life

Haven't been posting because I've been so busy moving house and sorting out my finances and everything.
I've been seeing the girl for a few months now. She's perfect.

I just met her in town and we sat down to talk and she told me she doesn't want to see me anymore. I held it together perfectly with her. As soon as I left her I started crying. I sat in the middle of town on a bench and cried and had a few cigarettes. She was the only thing that made me happy and now I can't have her anymore. I am alone and sometimes if I think too much about it, I really want to kill myself.

Back in London

I've been so busy since I got back from Scotland, haven't had time to write anything here.
I've just sat down and read the last post I typed, which reminded me how painful it was to be in Scotland.
So since I've been back, here's the update:

Arrived back from Scotland to London on Thursday. Went to sleep.
Friday, got drunk with my friends in their house.
Saturday, got drunk with my friends in their house.
Sunday, I saw the girl. I'll come back to this.
Monday, saw a separate girl I'd arranged to come over so I could have sex and get it out my system. I'd been in Scotland for so long, and without sex, the condom literally disintegrated inside her and we had to drive to the clinic to get her a morning after pill. Thank God, I'm so broke at the moment there's no way I could've afforded it. She took the whole situation seriously and maturely and I'm glad I'd chosen her to fuck first when I came back. Other girls may have been a different story.
---

Reading what I wrote while I was in Scotland, about the girl, makes perfect sense to me now. I can say, since I have been back and I've been in her presence and held her and kissed her, that I have very deep seated affections for her. If I am in the same room as her, I need to be sitting near her, to hold her hand or have my hand on her leg or something. I need contact with her at all times.

I watched the Dark Knight Rises with my brother today. I think Christopher Nolan is a fantastic director despite his recently acquired penchant for over-budget super cinema, and I thoroughly enjoyed the film, but I could not stop thinking about this girl. We had arranged to meet after the film finished and we had a drink and then went back to her house.

We were talking with our friends in her house, and she made an off the cuff comment about "Well, me and XXX might as well go upstairs then." I smiled, for she was talking about me of course. I had a cigarette and she took me by the hand and lead me up to her room, and before I knew it we were kissing. I held her tight to me and kissed her and she took off her clothes and I put my mouth on her body and my hands between her legs and it felt utterly exhilarating. I'm sure I have mentioned before that this situation has happened with some girls and I have been completely bored, but with this girl, this woman, I was engrossed. Nothing else mattered to me in the world. The way she quietly moaned as I sucked at her, I will remember for a very long time.
I purposely did not have sex with her. I don't want to rush anything. I don't know where this is going.
Which leads me on to my next point.
We kissed passionately for some time, I made her climax without removing her trousers, then we lay together and I put my arms around her and kissed her and it felt perfect.
Then she turned to me and told me that she thinks I like her more than she likes me.
This, I was aware of before. I knew this anyway.

I have spent my whole life falling for girls who don't give a shit about me, and sleeping with everyone else to try and make up for it. The fact that she likes me at all, is good enough for me.
She said she was confused, and she doesn't know what we are doing. I told her I feel the same.

Imagine coming out of a relationship for four years, and suddenly you are single. What would you do with yourself? Well I am the exact opposite, I've been single for four years and perfectly comfortable with it and all of a sudden this girl appears and we have something genuine together. I am very, very confused.

But I want it to go somewhere, I do. I just don't know where.

Sorry

I haven't posted in a while. Don't know who I'm apologising to, no one reads this as far as I know. I don't mind, this is more somewhere for me to get things off my mind. Part of me romanticises it into something other people will want to read, but I really doubt that.

So I'm still in Scotland. I am staying for 32 days overall, I have one week left. I can't wait to get back. I haven't had sex since the day before I left and it's absolutely killing me. This is one constant in my life.

The girl I mentioned in my last post, I am still thinking about regularly. She is utterly gorgeous. There are certain conflicts between us, but as far as I know it's nothing major. She doesn't like Tom Waits, for example. I think he is a genius. These are minor concerns.

Our mutual friends consistently ask me how it is going with 'us'. Apparently it's quite a big deal for everyone.
I can kind of see why, I know for a fact that if my facebook status ever changed to "in a relationship" no one would believe it. I'm not that sort of person, never have been. But she makes me want to be. She makes me want to stop talking to every other girl and throw myself at her and tell her how much I care about her and shower her with gifts and drop myself into extreme poverty as long as my money is being spent on her.

I have been in Scotland for so long, I can't remember what my best friends look like. Being in Scotland has the added disadvantage of the following:
I ask myself this question regularly. It is a huge dilemma in my present life. Ready?

Do I, in fact, like this girl as much as I tell myself? She is beautiful, there is no doubt about that. She reads a lot of books, and that is both a rarity and a sought-after characteristic in a woman for me. (I read a lot of books and find it depressing that no one else does). She is witty, clever, undeniably a fantastic person.
However I have been away for so long, and apart from my male companions (who I am dying to see again, I have a very special bond with some of them and I long for same-gender company as much as I long for the warmth of a woman) I have nothing to look forward to when I return. Am I, for want of a better phrase, putting her on a pedestal? Am I creating in my head these affections because I need something to look forward when I return?

I have thought this many nights. I simply cannot tell. The only way I will be able to discern whether or not my affections for this girl are true, or a fabrication of my mind, which is currently locked away in the purgatory of north-west Scotland, is to wait until I get home and see her. I will, without a doubt, take her in my arms and kiss her and tell her she is beautiful and this will all be from the heart. I know deep within me that I cannot wait to see her. But after that, the more complex of my emotions, are just that. Complex. I need to sit with her and look her in the eyes and then I will know how true to myself I am being.

There is no doubt in my mind this girl is flawless. That is objective. That is fact. That is as true as the sky I stare at as I smoke cigarettes outside a pub, as the earth I walk on towards a cash point, or the pavement I feel under my feet as I step off a bus. This girl being perfect is as much fact as the keys my fingers are tapping on to produce these words you now read.
But my emotions towards her are much more complicated.

I have this image, in my head. I wouldn't say it's a premonition, as I cannot be sure it will happen. I suppose it is more of a fantasy.

The book I have bought her from the second-hand market in Scotland. Her favourite book. The unrevised, raw edition of Lady Chatterley's Lover published in 1944. I have this image of me handing it to her, modestly of course, telling her I hope she likes it. (I will not tell her how much I paid for it. I will not say here how much I paid for it. I believe she is worth it.)
She receives the book and I see this sparkle in her eyes. She has these wide, beautiful eyes.
She takes the book, examines it briefly, and then puts it to one side and flings her arms around me.

That is all I want. I cannot think of anything else I would rather happen to me, ever in my life. I want to see her smile and I want her to embrace me.

I read these words back as I type them. They intimidate me. This girl intimidates me. I am utterly and completely frightened, through and through, of this girl. This woman.


If there is one thing I am good at, it is not caring. About women.
I have spent several years of my life actively building up the ability to not give a shit about women.
Five or six years ago, I would care very much what happened to girls I am attracted to.
Now, I find it the easiest thing in the world to simply turn away and forget all about them. It is as easy to me as flicking a cigarette, or finished the last inch of beer in my pint glass. I think nothing more of it.

This particular girl, has me caring about her to such an extent that I dream about her.
She is in my dreams! This is almost unprecedented. I have not experienced an object of my affections within my dreams for some time, and the last time it happened, it did not end well. I am still reeling from the last time.

So this time, it has shocked me. I am constantly on guard.

I have absolutely no desire for my heart to be broken again. It is the most painful feeling anyone can ever witness. I would rather be shot, stabbed, beaten up, raped, torn apart, blown up, burnt alive, buried alive, then for my heart to be broken again. I mean these words seriously.

And perhaps this is the cause of my concern, of my indecision towards this girl.
Maybe my subconcious does not want me to immerse myself in affection for her, when really it is acting as a dam, a represas, as the Spanish say. Maybe it is holding back a torrent of emotion that I would otherwise be feeling for her. She is, after all, perfect.

Or maybe I am creating affections that do not exist, because I have no other place to direct them.

I simply cannot tell.

So last night I dreamt that my brother died. It was horrible, we are very close.
Then I woke up at about 3 in the morning.
Then I fell back asleep and had another, separate dream, about this girl.
It was only me and her throughout the dream, usually this is quite rare; my dreams mostly contain a bizarre collection of people I have met over the years. But last night, it was just me and her, sitting on a bench in the youth hostel in Scotland where I am currently staying. I was wearing a cowboy hat. She looked beautiful, as usual. She told me I was her boyfriend. We kissed and then I woke up, and I remember having a huge smile on my face.
Looks like I want to be in a relationship, then.