Back in London

I've been so busy since I got back from Scotland, haven't had time to write anything here.
I've just sat down and read the last post I typed, which reminded me how painful it was to be in Scotland.
So since I've been back, here's the update:

Arrived back from Scotland to London on Thursday. Went to sleep.
Friday, got drunk with my friends in their house.
Saturday, got drunk with my friends in their house.
Sunday, I saw the girl. I'll come back to this.
Monday, saw a separate girl I'd arranged to come over so I could have sex and get it out my system. I'd been in Scotland for so long, and without sex, the condom literally disintegrated inside her and we had to drive to the clinic to get her a morning after pill. Thank God, I'm so broke at the moment there's no way I could've afforded it. She took the whole situation seriously and maturely and I'm glad I'd chosen her to fuck first when I came back. Other girls may have been a different story.
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Reading what I wrote while I was in Scotland, about the girl, makes perfect sense to me now. I can say, since I have been back and I've been in her presence and held her and kissed her, that I have very deep seated affections for her. If I am in the same room as her, I need to be sitting near her, to hold her hand or have my hand on her leg or something. I need contact with her at all times.

I watched the Dark Knight Rises with my brother today. I think Christopher Nolan is a fantastic director despite his recently acquired penchant for over-budget super cinema, and I thoroughly enjoyed the film, but I could not stop thinking about this girl. We had arranged to meet after the film finished and we had a drink and then went back to her house.

We were talking with our friends in her house, and she made an off the cuff comment about "Well, me and XXX might as well go upstairs then." I smiled, for she was talking about me of course. I had a cigarette and she took me by the hand and lead me up to her room, and before I knew it we were kissing. I held her tight to me and kissed her and she took off her clothes and I put my mouth on her body and my hands between her legs and it felt utterly exhilarating. I'm sure I have mentioned before that this situation has happened with some girls and I have been completely bored, but with this girl, this woman, I was engrossed. Nothing else mattered to me in the world. The way she quietly moaned as I sucked at her, I will remember for a very long time.
I purposely did not have sex with her. I don't want to rush anything. I don't know where this is going.
Which leads me on to my next point.
We kissed passionately for some time, I made her climax without removing her trousers, then we lay together and I put my arms around her and kissed her and it felt perfect.
Then she turned to me and told me that she thinks I like her more than she likes me.
This, I was aware of before. I knew this anyway.

I have spent my whole life falling for girls who don't give a shit about me, and sleeping with everyone else to try and make up for it. The fact that she likes me at all, is good enough for me.
She said she was confused, and she doesn't know what we are doing. I told her I feel the same.

Imagine coming out of a relationship for four years, and suddenly you are single. What would you do with yourself? Well I am the exact opposite, I've been single for four years and perfectly comfortable with it and all of a sudden this girl appears and we have something genuine together. I am very, very confused.

But I want it to go somewhere, I do. I just don't know where.