Perfect

If this blog couldnt get any more self-indulgent.
ive been wanting to make a list of things that would make my perfect girl for a while now, somewhere visible so i can mull over it and further entrench myself in the idea that this girl, plainly and simply, does not exist.


She is funny. and not laugh-at-her funny.
She reads books. and not Twilight or that shit, i mean actual books. preferably enjoys noir and surrealist literature.
She can hold a decent conversation about topics beyond her own physical appearance
She is independent, but ultimately submissive. She doesnt need to text me every night, we have our own space, but she will do what i tell her.
She listens to more then one genre of music. and is open to listening to new things beyond her musical comfort zone (which should be quite broad regardless)
A couple of tattoos would definetly not go amiss.
She has to know her place as a woman, and be feminine in all aspects.
Ideally, she smokes. Or doesnt give a fuck that I smoke. By extension, she can roll cigarettes
Having slight bisexual tendencies would spice things up, past girlfriends with such tendencies have led to some interesting experiences
She knows when not to talk. i.e. she will shut the fuck up
Of course i want her to be physically attractive but if she ticks every other box on this list i dont think id care too much what she looks like. (i believe its hypocritical when people say they dont care about physical appeareance. everyone does and thats it)
She enjoys films beyond romantic comedies. preferably also less mainstream films, the more obscure the better. quoting lines from said films at correct times is also acceptable.
She swallows.
She doesnt live miles away, but she also doesnt live close enough that she thinks she can just pop round whenever she wants.
She doesnt do drugs
She will sit in with a 'lads night' and enjoy herself
Her judgements arent clouded by emotions
She isnt a complete idiot

Now if you are reading this and thinking im some sort of mysoginist pig,
1. you are right
and
2. my opinions are just based off girls in my life. all of them.

About five seconds ago

I realised the only reason I keep so many girls on the go at one time is because I'm looking for a certain one. I fucking hate women. I despise everything about them. But I want a girlfriend now, i think, after well over a year of meaningless sex. I just dont know if i can bring myself to be in a faithful relationship.
My last girlfriend was absolutely fantastic, everything a man could wish for. In every sense of the term. But every morning i'd roll over in bed, grab my phone and start texting other girls. I dont know why but I get the feeling itd happen again. I tell myself if i ever begin a relationship then ive got to be faithful entirely, but i stopped seeing the point in that long ago. human beings werent made to only be with one other person.
One of the best definitions of the perfect girlfriend is 'a best friend who you fuck' which is exactly what i think i need at the moment, only problem is i cant be best friends with any girl because they are all fucking idiots.
What really REALLY irritates me, is that the most idiotic ones think they are the best, and act like it. this means im usually not on their radar at all.
Now dont get me wrong, i dont want to be.
but i find myself wanting to shout at them how fucking moronic they all are and they need to realise that i am out of their league, not the other way round.
i dont want a girlfriend like that. i dont even sleep with girls like that.
my perfect girl doesn't exist. i think ill make a list of my desired attributes for the perfect girl in the morning

Last night

I slept with a girl Ive never met before, and will never meet again, while the country (now literally) falls apart around me. These riots are just getting worse, there is almost no signs of them stopping. It feels like a physical manifestation of whats been happening in my own head for the past year.
Every night I want to put a hoodie on and go out to join the crowds, but I dont know why.

I

can visibly experience the world falling to pieces around me, and no one else even seems to notice

I think

I just read 'Pretty Maggie Moneyeyes', a short story by Harlan Ellison, and part of it really connected with me. This man, Kostner, has drifted through his whole life with no real connections to people. He has relationships, social, sexual, emotional, what have you, but he is always alone. Never meets someone who truly understands him.

"Casual friendships, based on food, or sex, or artificial similarities. But no one to whom he could cleave, and cling, and belong."

Now i'm not saying this is me, but I understand this completely. especially in this fucking day and age where everyone is too busy obsessing over their fake tan and polo shirts to pick up a book or look at the stars. i'm a victim of my own generation, of course i get dragged into this sort of thing all the time. i enjoy being around people and it's the price i have to pay for it.
I cant shake this feeling that im superior to a lot of people. i dont like to think it, and im certainly not an arrogant person, but i know people older than me who have never picked up a book, who act like children with absolutely no thought to their own actions, who can't spell, who can't hold a conversation, who can't understand why im so fucking angry at the world all the time. what else am i supposed to think.

i want someone. of course, female, for what else does a man desire?
my generation of girls spend their entire lives being objects of desire for males who know no better.
a girl walks into the bar, skin glowing orange, hair freshly peroxided, wearing whatever stupid floral outfit is 'in fashion' at the moment, and men go crazy over her.
why does no one else see through this gigantic barrier of physical attributes and into the soulless, shallow, materialistic female that inevitably lies behind? They are victims of their own appearance, sometimes i feel sorry for them. having the social opinion of being beautiful is all they will ever have, until they grow old.
or get caught in a chemical fire.
and they have no idea.

meanwhile the status their beauty has afforded them has gone straight to their heads, meaning they dont even cast a glance in the direction of any male they arent immediately attracted to. this is a frighteningly close similarity to the premise of the film 'Idiocracy'.
i fucking hate my generation.

but then i fucking hate my dad as well, and everyone who is related to him by blood. including myself. i dont think there is one person in this world i dont hold even the smallest bit of utter contempt for.

and no one else understands! i try to explain, i really do. peoples minds are too small, too single-minded, to accept the vastness of the very situation they live and breathe in every day of their meaningless existences. and it will never, never change.
every day i become more and more convinced i will never settle down with someone because there does not exist a female on this planet who will ever fully understand me. certain girls 'get' certain bits of me, but never everything. i can look at a girl and have her sussed in the first ten minutes of meeting her. not because im particularly good at psychology, but because they are all so fucking transparent and shallow. its just easy.

so for now, i will continue having sex with girls i hate, for various reasons, and smoking myself into an early grave. this fucking world, i swear to god