I think

I just read 'Pretty Maggie Moneyeyes', a short story by Harlan Ellison, and part of it really connected with me. This man, Kostner, has drifted through his whole life with no real connections to people. He has relationships, social, sexual, emotional, what have you, but he is always alone. Never meets someone who truly understands him.

"Casual friendships, based on food, or sex, or artificial similarities. But no one to whom he could cleave, and cling, and belong."

Now i'm not saying this is me, but I understand this completely. especially in this fucking day and age where everyone is too busy obsessing over their fake tan and polo shirts to pick up a book or look at the stars. i'm a victim of my own generation, of course i get dragged into this sort of thing all the time. i enjoy being around people and it's the price i have to pay for it.
I cant shake this feeling that im superior to a lot of people. i dont like to think it, and im certainly not an arrogant person, but i know people older than me who have never picked up a book, who act like children with absolutely no thought to their own actions, who can't spell, who can't hold a conversation, who can't understand why im so fucking angry at the world all the time. what else am i supposed to think.

i want someone. of course, female, for what else does a man desire?
my generation of girls spend their entire lives being objects of desire for males who know no better.
a girl walks into the bar, skin glowing orange, hair freshly peroxided, wearing whatever stupid floral outfit is 'in fashion' at the moment, and men go crazy over her.
why does no one else see through this gigantic barrier of physical attributes and into the soulless, shallow, materialistic female that inevitably lies behind? They are victims of their own appearance, sometimes i feel sorry for them. having the social opinion of being beautiful is all they will ever have, until they grow old.
or get caught in a chemical fire.
and they have no idea.

meanwhile the status their beauty has afforded them has gone straight to their heads, meaning they dont even cast a glance in the direction of any male they arent immediately attracted to. this is a frighteningly close similarity to the premise of the film 'Idiocracy'.
i fucking hate my generation.

but then i fucking hate my dad as well, and everyone who is related to him by blood. including myself. i dont think there is one person in this world i dont hold even the smallest bit of utter contempt for.

and no one else understands! i try to explain, i really do. peoples minds are too small, too single-minded, to accept the vastness of the very situation they live and breathe in every day of their meaningless existences. and it will never, never change.
every day i become more and more convinced i will never settle down with someone because there does not exist a female on this planet who will ever fully understand me. certain girls 'get' certain bits of me, but never everything. i can look at a girl and have her sussed in the first ten minutes of meeting her. not because im particularly good at psychology, but because they are all so fucking transparent and shallow. its just easy.

so for now, i will continue having sex with girls i hate, for various reasons, and smoking myself into an early grave. this fucking world, i swear to god