my grandad died yesterday. im already having a pretty shit time at the moment as it is, without this tragic loss.
he was a good man

as far as i can tell

ive recovered from my small bout of heavy depression. or at least, it's gone back inside me.
i can deduce from this that whiskey makes me very, very sad. i like whiskey, it's a shame.

SO i paid this girl a visit yesterday, ive only slept with her a couple of times but we are very fond of each other as sexual partners. god knows why she likes me, but she is an absolute dream. she's canadian, with indian heritage (which you must understand is still a novelty for a white english male who spent the first few years of his sex life sleeping with white english females). She has quite a thick Canadian accent, when i have sex with her i feel like i'm in a porn film because of the way she sounds when she talks/moans.

I sent her a text message when I was on her street walking to her house, and her reply was the following, dictated directly from my phone:
"door's open, help yourself to beers in the fridge!... I wont be too much longer"

As I crack a can of delicious polish lager, she emerges from her bedroom (it's a one story flat) wearing an LBD and thigh high leather boots. She makes sure my beer is alright, hands me a cigar, and then sits me down and kneels in front of me. Needless to say I'm having a great time. After a while she tells me the boots aren't coming off so I need to rip her tights open if I want to fuck her. This goes on, and we get progressively filthier with each other. In between sex, she makes me chicken chorizo rice and mixes up Fidel Castros with a slice of lime coated in brown sugar on the side of the glass.This girl is classy.

I arrive home later that evening and tell one of my housemates about my day. And he says that some guys would literally kill for what Id just experienced, that it would be the happiest day of their lives.
For me it was just quite a nice day.

Just lucky I guess.

im crying right now. everywhere i look is hair clips and earrings and used condoms that have been left behind from girls who have stayed the night in my bed, and its the most depressing thing ive ever seen

apparently when i snore, i sound like i'm dying. maybe i am.

i cant even bring myself to say the word love. ive just watched the fucking star wars prequel trilogy and all the lovey dovey scenes with anakin and padme (there are a LOT) have made me want to cry. not throw up, like when i usually see this shit. i want to cry. i went to the shop to buy rizla and spent five minutes leaning up against my neighbour's fence on the walk home, just crying to myself. i saw a couple, down the street from when i was walking, i couldnt even see their faces but they were holding hands, and i cried to myself.
this blog is slowly documenting my descent into the abyss of depression and loneliness that i feel every single time any sort of emotion is shown to me through media, or in person. my best friend's girlfriend is round our house all the time, and they have such a shitty relationship, but every night he gets to go to bed and someone is there for him to put his arms around. i want that. i feel horrible, i hate myself at the moment, i hate the way i look, i hate the way i talk to people, i hate the way people see me, i hate the degree i'm trying to push myself through, i hate the plans i have for after i finish it, i hate my clothes, i hate my bedroom, i hate all the habits ive spent years forming, i hate everyone i see on the streets, i hate. i just hate, i think. i dont know what else to add after that. i just hate.

earlier i started crying but everyone in the room was too busy watching a film to notice.

i want someone to talk to, but no one will ever really know where i'm coming from. ive been holding back these feelings for so long now, years i think. they are leaking out of my body and there is nothing i can do to stop them and it feels fucking disgusting, i am ashamed of myself

i've come to the conclusion

that i am very, very lonely. i see couples in the street, people kissing on TV or in films, someone mentions love in any situation. i get this sinking feeling.
girls i sleep with have started telling me i'm getting too cuddly. i mean, what the fuck.
girls tell me i cuddle too much.


how fucked is that.

i find it suitably ironic, and extremely depressing, that i am not only adverse to both emotions and relationships, but am finding myself showing emotions towards people because of a lack of a relationship. it's horrible irony.

logic, 0.

so its getting really out of hand. she seems to believe everyone is out to get her, and she doesn't trust a word anyone says. she has taken to talking bad about her best friends behind their backs. we have to tip toe around her whenever we hang out with her because the slightest thing she doesnt like just sets her off and she falls out with us for days. it's horrible.

obviously if i say something, and it is not interpreted by the female in question as nice, she will take offence to it. the thing is, females take offence to EVERYTHING. im not going to maintain a close and healthy relationship with you for months on end and then suddenly say something horrible to you, and this is one of the most basic and fundamental flaws in the mindset of females.
they cant understand what was trying to be said, only their interpretation of what they heard. 

to continue

from the musings of the other day..

Basically, me and two friends have started up a non profit organisation to promote upcoming hip hop artists around London. now to begin it's the three of us, me, my best friend, and our mutual and very close friend (who is female.) This is the same female who is 30 years old who i have been sleeping with for a couple months.
Now when she suggested we start up this organisation, i was already a bit wary. I want to do it, definitely, but the prospect of conducting regular and consistent business with someone im sleeping with.. did not appeal to me.

Everythings going fine, we have our first recording session next month to take cameras and video to a gig in central London and record everything that happens, we will be interviewing artists and featuring them on our website, blah blah blah.
Now around this time last month, maybe a few weeks ago, I gave this girl the first orgasm she'd had in a long time. She is 30, so i dont know how long she means when she says that, but that's what she said.
And since then, she has started acting like such a fucking psycho. I mean a PROPER psycho.

The other day we went for one of our usual drives into central london, to eat some food, go shopping, she pops into her cleaning company building to sort out some admin, whatever. We ended up arguing all the way home and i dont even know what we were arguing about. she has just started taking whatever i say and whatever i do and turning it into the worst possible version, and throwing it back at me.
Or she will be completely fine to my face, and i'll think 'oh thank god maybe shes back to normal'
then as soon as she gets home she sends me these huge convoluted facebook messages explaining why she wasnt happy with whatever id been doing that particular day, despite smiling and kissing me and offering me spliffs the entire time.

I cant handle this shit. i wish id never slept with her. i want this business to get off the ground and start running properly, start promoting new artists and associating with established acts. i want all this to happen, while i'm still doing a completely unrelated course at university, while i'm writing a novel, while i'm trying to write my own music. i can just about juggle all these things together, but what i cant do is constantly have my business partner and co-founder be fucking INSANE.
the other day she even asked me if she had turned psycho since i gave her that orgasm. i answered yes, and she laughed like it was nothing. and she continues to act the same towards me.
i wouldve thought, if a woman hadnt had an orgasm in 'a long time', once she finally had one itd just relax her even more and stop her caring so much about shit. like getting really high, or something.

but no, apparantly it makes you absolutely crazy, causes you to defy all logic, become a hypocrite, and generally a bit of a bitch.