earlier this evening when i genuinely felt like i wanted to kill myself. actually thought about suicide. im just writing this down so i know it wasnt a dream when i remember it in a week or two.
i think i need to go back to london, back to my house, where i can chain smoke and drink whiskey all day.
if i dont cheer up after a week of being back in london, im gonna go and see a doctor. i dont know but i think this is what being mentally ill feels like
Saturday 31 December 2011
Tuesday 27 December 2011
it's my birthday today
im sitting in my room eating garlic bread and playing Arkham City. people keep texting me, ive got countless posts on my facebook wishing me a happy birthday. every single time i read one i get a little more depressed. i think i just hate this time of year full stop. christmas was shit, went to see the family yesterday and i only enjoyed that because i got drunk. Ginger girl, who I have chronicled my relationship with in some detail here, has started texting me again. on a whim. ive got to get back to london and see what happens with that.
i dont really want to leave this house though, ive come back to my parents house for the holidays, its so different to my house. i want to move back in here i think. although ive been really, really sad since i came home. not because im home, but just coincidentally i think. i feel physically exhausted, like im just really depressed and its sucking the life out of me. i need a cigarette. i need a cigarette and a vagina.
i dont really want to leave this house though, ive come back to my parents house for the holidays, its so different to my house. i want to move back in here i think. although ive been really, really sad since i came home. not because im home, but just coincidentally i think. i feel physically exhausted, like im just really depressed and its sucking the life out of me. i need a cigarette. i need a cigarette and a vagina.
Tuesday 20 December 2011
I digressed
a little bit. Remember the girl I was talking about a few posts ago, the one I really hit it off with? Yeah she's just stopped communication with me. Completely. No texts, no facebook, nothing. There I was thinking finally I might have found a girl who's funny, beautiful, intelligent, witty, I can get along with her, I can introduce her to my friends, she doesn't live too far away, (she doesn't have tattoos but I was going to work on that.) and no. She decides to just start ignoring me. This is exactly my point, it's just fate, karma, destiny, lady luck, whatever you want to call it. I'm stuck with all these sluts for the rest of my life.
Every now and then
There comes a girl in my life who, unfortunately, means more to me then just a vagina with legs. There aren't many of these girls, but when they appear I take great care to try my best to avoid them. I will always loathe the systematic irony that stems from the situations I find myself in. For example, a lot of the time I am literally assaulted by girls, usually over my mobile phone, throwing their bodies at me. I realise how this sounds, but this does have a point so please bare with me. Here are a few examples of the messages I receive on a daily basis:
December 16th 12:08pm
Im going to finish my essay then come and suck your dick.
December 17th 00:27am
I kinda had a dream about you last night, and it involved me being bent over
Yesterday 21:12pm
I might get your name tattood on my ass.
Today, 02:33am
I need your cock
and my particular favourite at the moment:
Yesterday 20:09pm
Oh baby, I've been trying to be so patient, I can't get the image of you fucking me out of my head. How are you doing this to me?!
My reply:
Yesterday 20:16pm
I dont know but I assure you it requires absolutely no effort on my part
NOW. Obviously a lot of the girls I'm currently sleeping with are much more subtle about this sort of thing, there are only a few of them who talk like this to me. But the point I'm trying to make is as follows:
I do nothing. Literally nothing. Or in fact, in some cases, the exact opposite of what a man should do in order to appear attractive to a woman. When I met one of the girls who sent me one of those texts above, I had just dropped a pill and I was tripping out of my MIND (more on that later). And the next day she found me on Facebook, got my number from friends, etc. Practically hunted me down.
The irony of this situation, now we can look past my arrogance, is that I don't WANT any of these girls. They throw themselves at me, call me Master, tell me I can have them however I want them, and I don't want them. I will have sex with them, of course. But I don't really want to. I don't know why I do it sometimes.
Coming back to the start of this post:
The females I end up thinking more of, the ones who mean at least something to me, are always the ones I never get with.
Not once, not once in my entire life, have I been successful in an endeavour to have relations with a girl I actually care about.
All I really do is charm random girls into sleeping with me. I guess in a way it's kind of pathetic, but it's also the most elaborate defence mechanism known to man.
I'm sure I mentioned in one of the earlier posts (probably why I started writing this in the first place) but I tend to fall in love madly and deeply with someone, and then sleep with everyone else to compensate for the fact I will never get with them.
I've definitely cut down these days. I think I can control myself a little bit more now. I'll be 20 years old in a week's time. My body is finally catching up with my mind.
At college, three or so years ago, Jesus i was a right fucking state! This one girl had such a hold on me, such a fucking hold. I hate it. I never want it to happen again. I was throwing myself at her, offering her whatever she desired with no regard for my own well being. How I was, back then, in love.. it reminds me of how these girls talk to me now. It's pitiful. It's embarrassing. They should be ashamed. I should be ashamed. I am ashamed. That's what love does to a person. You should be ashamed for ever being in love with anyone, for offering yourself to someone who has done literally nothing to deserve it. What have they done for you? They exist. You know them, you are friends with them maybe. That's it. They don't deserve your entire life dedicated to them. You see them and you smile. What else is there?
Stewart Lee makes me smile but I'm not in love with him. (Well...)
Summary:
Love is the most pointless of emotions. It requires the most effort and provides the least reward. It infects your body like a plague and there is nothing you can do to get rid of it. It is immune to all counter-attacks, all cures, fire, chemicals, you name it. Love is an infection. It's a parasite. It feeds off you, draining you of your mental stamina, your physical resources, your own personal time.
There is only one cure for love, or heartbreak, or anything you could put into that category. And it is the most painful cure, more painful then any amputation, any surgery without anaesthetic.
Time.
Time is the only thing that can cure a broken heart, that can help you to forget about someone who needs forgetting about. You can't try and block them out your life, because you'll notice they aren't there any more and it'll play with your mind. You can't sleep with other people because the whole time you'll just be thinking about them. You can only wait. And it is the most horrid thing. It's like standing on a long, straight road, in the middle of a forest, in the dead of night, while torrential rain soaks through your clothes and gale force winds whip at your extremities, and you are waiting for someone to drive past to try and hitch a lift home. You have no idea how long it will take before someone will arrive, or if they will arrive at all, you simply have no choice but to stand there in the freezing cold, dripping wet, and wait.
December 16th 12:08pm
Im going to finish my essay then come and suck your dick.
December 17th 00:27am
I kinda had a dream about you last night, and it involved me being bent over
Yesterday 21:12pm
I might get your name tattood on my ass.
Today, 02:33am
I need your cock
and my particular favourite at the moment:
Yesterday 20:09pm
Oh baby, I've been trying to be so patient, I can't get the image of you fucking me out of my head. How are you doing this to me?!
My reply:
Yesterday 20:16pm
I dont know but I assure you it requires absolutely no effort on my part
NOW. Obviously a lot of the girls I'm currently sleeping with are much more subtle about this sort of thing, there are only a few of them who talk like this to me. But the point I'm trying to make is as follows:
I do nothing. Literally nothing. Or in fact, in some cases, the exact opposite of what a man should do in order to appear attractive to a woman. When I met one of the girls who sent me one of those texts above, I had just dropped a pill and I was tripping out of my MIND (more on that later). And the next day she found me on Facebook, got my number from friends, etc. Practically hunted me down.
The irony of this situation, now we can look past my arrogance, is that I don't WANT any of these girls. They throw themselves at me, call me Master, tell me I can have them however I want them, and I don't want them. I will have sex with them, of course. But I don't really want to. I don't know why I do it sometimes.
Coming back to the start of this post:
The females I end up thinking more of, the ones who mean at least something to me, are always the ones I never get with.
Not once, not once in my entire life, have I been successful in an endeavour to have relations with a girl I actually care about.
All I really do is charm random girls into sleeping with me. I guess in a way it's kind of pathetic, but it's also the most elaborate defence mechanism known to man.
I'm sure I mentioned in one of the earlier posts (probably why I started writing this in the first place) but I tend to fall in love madly and deeply with someone, and then sleep with everyone else to compensate for the fact I will never get with them.
I've definitely cut down these days. I think I can control myself a little bit more now. I'll be 20 years old in a week's time. My body is finally catching up with my mind.
At college, three or so years ago, Jesus i was a right fucking state! This one girl had such a hold on me, such a fucking hold. I hate it. I never want it to happen again. I was throwing myself at her, offering her whatever she desired with no regard for my own well being. How I was, back then, in love.. it reminds me of how these girls talk to me now. It's pitiful. It's embarrassing. They should be ashamed. I should be ashamed. I am ashamed. That's what love does to a person. You should be ashamed for ever being in love with anyone, for offering yourself to someone who has done literally nothing to deserve it. What have they done for you? They exist. You know them, you are friends with them maybe. That's it. They don't deserve your entire life dedicated to them. You see them and you smile. What else is there?
Stewart Lee makes me smile but I'm not in love with him. (Well...)
Summary:
Love is the most pointless of emotions. It requires the most effort and provides the least reward. It infects your body like a plague and there is nothing you can do to get rid of it. It is immune to all counter-attacks, all cures, fire, chemicals, you name it. Love is an infection. It's a parasite. It feeds off you, draining you of your mental stamina, your physical resources, your own personal time.
There is only one cure for love, or heartbreak, or anything you could put into that category. And it is the most painful cure, more painful then any amputation, any surgery without anaesthetic.
Time.
Time is the only thing that can cure a broken heart, that can help you to forget about someone who needs forgetting about. You can't try and block them out your life, because you'll notice they aren't there any more and it'll play with your mind. You can't sleep with other people because the whole time you'll just be thinking about them. You can only wait. And it is the most horrid thing. It's like standing on a long, straight road, in the middle of a forest, in the dead of night, while torrential rain soaks through your clothes and gale force winds whip at your extremities, and you are waiting for someone to drive past to try and hitch a lift home. You have no idea how long it will take before someone will arrive, or if they will arrive at all, you simply have no choice but to stand there in the freezing cold, dripping wet, and wait.
Thursday 1 December 2011
As predicted
i have the most brutal hangover. Nothing a few toasted waffles and cranberry juice cant fix. The only reason i havent started drinking again this morning is because i cant afford it. I just re-read the post that I made last night (see below), and even though im sober now it still makes sense. i wont edit it at all.
she text me last night, and cancelled our arranged meeting for today. i found myself drinking faster. i was very drunk at the time and it made me sad that i wouldnt get to see her. i had to leave everyone and go sit on the stairs.
Everyone is saying its good, telling me to take a chance, and its nice seeing me like this with a girl, and other things i dont want to hear.
I dont know this girl at all. I met her in a fucking pub, i've been out with her once and the only reason we had a good time was because we were getting wasted. she could be the biggest bitch on earth, she could be deceitful and manipulative. she probably is. i dont know what to think anymore. this is why emotions are illogical, they are stopping my brain from functioning properly.
i want to stay single for the entire of university. thats a year and a half left to go.
in the shorter term, i want to get away from everything for a while. go live somewhere else, maybe only for a weekend.
i'll be back home soon enough, the christmas holidays arent far off and my birthday is the 27th, i need to go and see my parents and sleep in a bed that doesnt smell like whiskey.
she text me last night, and cancelled our arranged meeting for today. i found myself drinking faster. i was very drunk at the time and it made me sad that i wouldnt get to see her. i had to leave everyone and go sit on the stairs.
Everyone is saying its good, telling me to take a chance, and its nice seeing me like this with a girl, and other things i dont want to hear.
I dont know this girl at all. I met her in a fucking pub, i've been out with her once and the only reason we had a good time was because we were getting wasted. she could be the biggest bitch on earth, she could be deceitful and manipulative. she probably is. i dont know what to think anymore. this is why emotions are illogical, they are stopping my brain from functioning properly.
i want to stay single for the entire of university. thats a year and a half left to go.
in the shorter term, i want to get away from everything for a while. go live somewhere else, maybe only for a weekend.
i'll be back home soon enough, the christmas holidays arent far off and my birthday is the 27th, i need to go and see my parents and sleep in a bed that doesnt smell like whiskey.
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