SO

been back in the london house for just under two weeks now, it's exam season. ive got one left on friday and then i have ten days of complete freedom.
as predicted, i feel much better now i'm back here. the day i got back, a lot of my friends came round and we got very drunk and laughed and joked and then i passed out, i had a great time. i cant tell what made me so sad over the holidays, the lack of alcohol or the lack of people. i do spend a lot of time by myself, because i enjoy it, and i only ever really drink alcohol when there are other people around, (although i wish that wasnt the case) so i dont know where it came from really.
had sex yesterday. it's her 30th birthday today. that makes her ten years older then me. we are very close friends, who just happen to fuck every now and then. she's a lovely girl.

THE MAIN REASON
im writing this post tonight, is because, as usual, i have been thinking.

the other night, my housemates all went out. i had an exam the following morning so i stayed in, they promised to be quiet but apparantly alcohol and ketamine makes you an obnoxious irresponsible person and they all came back and woke up the entire house and got us a noise complaint from next door at four o'clock in the morning. anyway, they all sat in a bedroom upstairs, across the corridor from me, oblivious to their noise. i lay in bed and heard them having a particularly deep discussion, fuelled by class A drugs. they were chatting shit for a while but then the conversation turned to relationships, as my housemate has just come out of a three year stint with some girl (god knows how he did three years, and didn't cheat on her once. hes a better man then me) i heard my name mentioned, and my ears pricked up of course. i couldnt hear much but i distinctly remember hearing one of my housemates say i need a girlfriend, and the rest of them agreeing. apparantly i need someone to 'keep me under control', were the words i heard.
now my only experience with ketamine is spending the last three years surrounded by people who take it, and watching their eyes go big and their attention spans decrease rapidly. i dont know how it affects what you say, but he said it none the less.
NOW i think i can see where he was coming from, i was in a room with about twenty people the other day, probably an even split between males and females, we were all laughing and drinking, and i looked around and realised that i had had sex with every girl in the room, apart from the one sitting on my lap. (im working on her, she's an absolute beauty. will update on that as it happens)

but is that a bad thing? i enjoy sex.

THEN i thought, and have been thinking ever since, and for sometime before. once ive had sex with a girl, i kind of lose interest. i meet a girl, and either see her as a walking vagina, or as a potential girlfriend. then once ive had sex with her, i dont really care anymore. that's bad isnt it?

i think i want a girlfriend. my housemate and best friend has spent all day today lying in bed with his girlfriend. his room is on the ground floor, and he ordered food to the house and collected it through the window so they could eat together without getting out of bed. i think i want that. i think i want someone who is always texting me and making sure i'm ok, someone who cares about me. someone who wants to come round and get drunk with me and my friends and then go up and fall asleep in my bed and wait for me to go and join her later so we can kiss and fall asleep. someone who will still be there in the morning.

and so here is my dilemma. i have inadvertently created a persona for myself, among people who know me, as someone who will never have a girlfriend. I am, still, opposed to the idea of monogamy, and express this opinion freely and with no regard to my audience. i think this has made it hard for people i know to believe i'm being serious, if i told them this.

everything i write here, is all in my head. i never tell anyone.

and so this has left me with the position of potential girlfriends only being girls i have met outside of my friendship groups, girls numbers i have acquired at various points, or met somewhere, etc.

currently there are three particular specimens i have my eye on.
number one, is a german girl in the year below me at university. she seems wonderful but she is going back to germany permanently 'at some point before april' so im not holding out much for her. wouldnt mind sleeping with her though.
number two, i might have mentioned here before, i met her while she was pouring me a pint in one of our local pubs. went out for a drink with her and arrived drunk out of my face, we hit it off pretty well, and as far as i can tell she wants to see me again, but she is terrible at texting me back, like really bad, sometimes it takes her a day to reply to my messages, and so i can never get anywhere trying to organise anything. definitely want to sleep with her, she has a look in her eyes like she'd be a devil in bed.
number three, i know i have mentioned before. ginger girl, met her while she poured me a pint (in a completely separate pub to number two). went out with her once, got steaming drunk, laughed and joked, held hands, she lives near me and so we got the bus back from town together and kissed goodbye, and she text me when she got home. i want to see her again. it's been months since i saw her last now. she seems to have lost interest, i text her regularly to try and maintain a sense of being, to remind her i'm still around. before christmas, around the time we went out, she was brilliant at texting back. under five minutes, every time. now, i text her, usually dont get a reply at all. why? she says she is busy with her ucas, which is true because shes talking about it with her friends all over facebook. but if i was doing my ucas and she text me, id drop it on the spot and text her back.
this small but meaningful gesture (or rather, lack of gesture) has led to a steep drop in my self esteem. am i not good enough? this girl does not know me, or any of my friends, she doesn't know that i have a reputation for sleeping around, i have been funny and charming to her so consistently, and it appears she has lost interest.

so this is just who i am now. this is what i think about. it's depressing on such a tremendous level.
people ask me why i drink so much