that i am very, very lonely. i see couples in the street, people kissing on TV or in films, someone mentions love in any situation. i get this sinking feeling.
girls i sleep with have started telling me i'm getting too cuddly. i mean, what the fuck.
girls tell me i cuddle too much.
how fucked is that.
i find it suitably ironic, and extremely depressing, that i am not only adverse to both emotions and relationships, but am finding myself showing emotions towards people because of a lack of a relationship. it's horrible irony.
Sunday, 4 March 2012
Saturday, 25 February 2012
logic, 0.
so its getting really out of hand. she seems to believe everyone is out to get her, and she doesn't trust a word anyone says. she has taken to talking bad about her best friends behind their backs. we have to tip toe around her whenever we hang out with her because the slightest thing she doesnt like just sets her off and she falls out with us for days. it's horrible.
obviously if i say something, and it is not interpreted by the female in question as nice, she will take offence to it. the thing is, females take offence to EVERYTHING. im not going to maintain a close and healthy relationship with you for months on end and then suddenly say something horrible to you, and this is one of the most basic and fundamental flaws in the mindset of females.
they cant understand what was trying to be said, only their interpretation of what they heard.
obviously if i say something, and it is not interpreted by the female in question as nice, she will take offence to it. the thing is, females take offence to EVERYTHING. im not going to maintain a close and healthy relationship with you for months on end and then suddenly say something horrible to you, and this is one of the most basic and fundamental flaws in the mindset of females.
they cant understand what was trying to be said, only their interpretation of what they heard.
Sunday, 19 February 2012
to continue
from the musings of the other day..
Basically, me and two friends have started up a non profit organisation to promote upcoming hip hop artists around London. now to begin it's the three of us, me, my best friend, and our mutual and very close friend (who is female.) This is the same female who is 30 years old who i have been sleeping with for a couple months.
Now when she suggested we start up this organisation, i was already a bit wary. I want to do it, definitely, but the prospect of conducting regular and consistent business with someone im sleeping with.. did not appeal to me.
Everythings going fine, we have our first recording session next month to take cameras and video to a gig in central London and record everything that happens, we will be interviewing artists and featuring them on our website, blah blah blah.
Now around this time last month, maybe a few weeks ago, I gave this girl the first orgasm she'd had in a long time. She is 30, so i dont know how long she means when she says that, but that's what she said.
And since then, she has started acting like such a fucking psycho. I mean a PROPER psycho.
The other day we went for one of our usual drives into central london, to eat some food, go shopping, she pops into her cleaning company building to sort out some admin, whatever. We ended up arguing all the way home and i dont even know what we were arguing about. she has just started taking whatever i say and whatever i do and turning it into the worst possible version, and throwing it back at me.
Or she will be completely fine to my face, and i'll think 'oh thank god maybe shes back to normal'
then as soon as she gets home she sends me these huge convoluted facebook messages explaining why she wasnt happy with whatever id been doing that particular day, despite smiling and kissing me and offering me spliffs the entire time.
I cant handle this shit. i wish id never slept with her. i want this business to get off the ground and start running properly, start promoting new artists and associating with established acts. i want all this to happen, while i'm still doing a completely unrelated course at university, while i'm writing a novel, while i'm trying to write my own music. i can just about juggle all these things together, but what i cant do is constantly have my business partner and co-founder be fucking INSANE.
the other day she even asked me if she had turned psycho since i gave her that orgasm. i answered yes, and she laughed like it was nothing. and she continues to act the same towards me.
i wouldve thought, if a woman hadnt had an orgasm in 'a long time', once she finally had one itd just relax her even more and stop her caring so much about shit. like getting really high, or something.
but no, apparantly it makes you absolutely crazy, causes you to defy all logic, become a hypocrite, and generally a bit of a bitch.
Basically, me and two friends have started up a non profit organisation to promote upcoming hip hop artists around London. now to begin it's the three of us, me, my best friend, and our mutual and very close friend (who is female.) This is the same female who is 30 years old who i have been sleeping with for a couple months.
Now when she suggested we start up this organisation, i was already a bit wary. I want to do it, definitely, but the prospect of conducting regular and consistent business with someone im sleeping with.. did not appeal to me.
Everythings going fine, we have our first recording session next month to take cameras and video to a gig in central London and record everything that happens, we will be interviewing artists and featuring them on our website, blah blah blah.
Now around this time last month, maybe a few weeks ago, I gave this girl the first orgasm she'd had in a long time. She is 30, so i dont know how long she means when she says that, but that's what she said.
And since then, she has started acting like such a fucking psycho. I mean a PROPER psycho.
The other day we went for one of our usual drives into central london, to eat some food, go shopping, she pops into her cleaning company building to sort out some admin, whatever. We ended up arguing all the way home and i dont even know what we were arguing about. she has just started taking whatever i say and whatever i do and turning it into the worst possible version, and throwing it back at me.
Or she will be completely fine to my face, and i'll think 'oh thank god maybe shes back to normal'
then as soon as she gets home she sends me these huge convoluted facebook messages explaining why she wasnt happy with whatever id been doing that particular day, despite smiling and kissing me and offering me spliffs the entire time.
I cant handle this shit. i wish id never slept with her. i want this business to get off the ground and start running properly, start promoting new artists and associating with established acts. i want all this to happen, while i'm still doing a completely unrelated course at university, while i'm writing a novel, while i'm trying to write my own music. i can just about juggle all these things together, but what i cant do is constantly have my business partner and co-founder be fucking INSANE.
the other day she even asked me if she had turned psycho since i gave her that orgasm. i answered yes, and she laughed like it was nothing. and she continues to act the same towards me.
i wouldve thought, if a woman hadnt had an orgasm in 'a long time', once she finally had one itd just relax her even more and stop her caring so much about shit. like getting really high, or something.
but no, apparantly it makes you absolutely crazy, causes you to defy all logic, become a hypocrite, and generally a bit of a bitch.
Thursday, 16 February 2012
went to a feminist meeting
the other day. it was horrible. just a bunch of self righteous hairy lesbians talking about how people only see them as self righteous lesbians (the hair was more of an elephant in the room). the amount of time i spent in the meeting was disproportionate to the amount i needed a cigarette when i left. some of my friends are active feminists and i got dragged along. now im glad i went, coz i know never to go again.
MUSINGS FOR THE DAY:
at college there was a girl. i was deeply and utterly in love with her. i would tell her regularly how willing i was to give her my world, to spend all the money i had on her just to make her smile, just how devoted i was to her happiness. she would regularly brush off these advances and tell me she just enjoyed being friends and nothing more.
im currently fucking this one girl, who loves the filthy stuff. i write abrasive and degrading words on her body with her lipstick, tie her up and gag her and then fuck her, light up a cigarette in her non-smoking flat, and then leave immediately afterwards and dont text her until i want sex again. and she is in love with me. she tells me she will do anything for me, and i treat her like absolute dirt.
women of the world, your logic is flawed
MUSINGS FOR THE DAY:
at college there was a girl. i was deeply and utterly in love with her. i would tell her regularly how willing i was to give her my world, to spend all the money i had on her just to make her smile, just how devoted i was to her happiness. she would regularly brush off these advances and tell me she just enjoyed being friends and nothing more.
im currently fucking this one girl, who loves the filthy stuff. i write abrasive and degrading words on her body with her lipstick, tie her up and gag her and then fuck her, light up a cigarette in her non-smoking flat, and then leave immediately afterwards and dont text her until i want sex again. and she is in love with me. she tells me she will do anything for me, and i treat her like absolute dirt.
women of the world, your logic is flawed
Friday, 3 February 2012
Really, really good day
yesterday. The 30 year old im currently fucking took me out into central London, where she has lived all her life. It's the first time ive travelled into central in a car, and apart from the freezing cold it was a nice day, the sun was out, etc. she bought a big bag of weed before we set off so we were smoking all day. we drove through the estates in hammersmith, through the high streets in central, past the Albany (one of my growing favourite pubs in central) and around Islington. she bought me a three course Mediterranean dinner and then we went to see Chronicle in the cinema (it's alright, could've been better). then she had to make a quick stop at the business she owns, and no one was in because it was late at night, so while she was sorting out jobs and stuff she left me in the main lounge, it was a big georgian room with a grand piano in the corner that i sat and played to myself.
the house can get pretty messy and my old house is much too far away to just pop down for a weekend, so i'm always stuck here. it was nice to get away.
the house can get pretty messy and my old house is much too far away to just pop down for a weekend, so i'm always stuck here. it was nice to get away.
Sunday, 29 January 2012
Brighton Tattoo Convention
was yesterday, i had a brilliant time. Walking round all day staring at literally some of THE most beautiful girls i have ever seen, all tattooed up, tiny little outfits, i was in heaven. But it quickly dawned on me i hadn't had sex in coming up to a month, so i needed to do something about it.
this morning i called on one of my regulars, a girl i met at university. no one really likes her, and i dont really like her either. but she texted me first, and i wanted sex, so i headed over.
shes fucking crazy. she has depression (apparantly), and shes really fucked up in the head. she talks about suicide a lot. the plus side to this is that she is a filthy little girl, who lets me do all sorts of depraved things to her, hence why she is one of my regulars. shes quite attractive, average build, disproportionately large breasts, nice ass with enough flesh on it while keeping her waist pretty slim.. she is in the rowing team and netball team, so she has quite an athletic tone to her body. shes just almost clinically insane.
i got to her house and put my wallet and cigarettes down on top of a pile of prescriptions and empty drug packets, and proceeded to degrade her and generally be completely dominating. i was literally mid-fuck and she starts crying and turns away from me.
it will always escape me how girls can suddenly not be in the mood for sex, in the middle of sex.
i rolled a cigarette and lay down on her bed, even though her flat is non-smoking.
eventually i put my clothes on, and i was about to leave, when i was watching her get dressed and decided to fuck her again. so i bent her over, and we had sex for about five minutes before she turns away from me again and lies down.
her ex-boyfriend had been texting her all day and ringing her, and she crawled across the bed to answer the phone even though from what i can tell she obviously doesnt like him.
i pretended to be mad at her and left, and shes been texting me saying sorry ever since.
i left her flat and went to mcdonalds to order my usual chips and two burgers (you get one free with a student card) and this song came on the speakers. i think it was Katy B or someone. the lyrics went something like "these boys arent on a level, believe me, i cant find a man to please me" or something.
That irritated me. those sort of songs irritate me anyway, but especially so today when i heard that.
i still cant work out why, but it irritated me.
this morning i called on one of my regulars, a girl i met at university. no one really likes her, and i dont really like her either. but she texted me first, and i wanted sex, so i headed over.
shes fucking crazy. she has depression (apparantly), and shes really fucked up in the head. she talks about suicide a lot. the plus side to this is that she is a filthy little girl, who lets me do all sorts of depraved things to her, hence why she is one of my regulars. shes quite attractive, average build, disproportionately large breasts, nice ass with enough flesh on it while keeping her waist pretty slim.. she is in the rowing team and netball team, so she has quite an athletic tone to her body. shes just almost clinically insane.
i got to her house and put my wallet and cigarettes down on top of a pile of prescriptions and empty drug packets, and proceeded to degrade her and generally be completely dominating. i was literally mid-fuck and she starts crying and turns away from me.
it will always escape me how girls can suddenly not be in the mood for sex, in the middle of sex.
i rolled a cigarette and lay down on her bed, even though her flat is non-smoking.
eventually i put my clothes on, and i was about to leave, when i was watching her get dressed and decided to fuck her again. so i bent her over, and we had sex for about five minutes before she turns away from me again and lies down.
her ex-boyfriend had been texting her all day and ringing her, and she crawled across the bed to answer the phone even though from what i can tell she obviously doesnt like him.
i pretended to be mad at her and left, and shes been texting me saying sorry ever since.
i left her flat and went to mcdonalds to order my usual chips and two burgers (you get one free with a student card) and this song came on the speakers. i think it was Katy B or someone. the lyrics went something like "these boys arent on a level, believe me, i cant find a man to please me" or something.
That irritated me. those sort of songs irritate me anyway, but especially so today when i heard that.
i still cant work out why, but it irritated me.
Sunday, 15 January 2012
SO
been back in the london house for just under two weeks now, it's exam season. ive got one left on friday and then i have ten days of complete freedom.
as predicted, i feel much better now i'm back here. the day i got back, a lot of my friends came round and we got very drunk and laughed and joked and then i passed out, i had a great time. i cant tell what made me so sad over the holidays, the lack of alcohol or the lack of people. i do spend a lot of time by myself, because i enjoy it, and i only ever really drink alcohol when there are other people around, (although i wish that wasnt the case) so i dont know where it came from really.
had sex yesterday. it's her 30th birthday today. that makes her ten years older then me. we are very close friends, who just happen to fuck every now and then. she's a lovely girl.
THE MAIN REASON
im writing this post tonight, is because, as usual, i have been thinking.
the other night, my housemates all went out. i had an exam the following morning so i stayed in, they promised to be quiet but apparantly alcohol and ketamine makes you an obnoxious irresponsible person and they all came back and woke up the entire house and got us a noise complaint from next door at four o'clock in the morning. anyway, they all sat in a bedroom upstairs, across the corridor from me, oblivious to their noise. i lay in bed and heard them having a particularly deep discussion, fuelled by class A drugs. they were chatting shit for a while but then the conversation turned to relationships, as my housemate has just come out of a three year stint with some girl (god knows how he did three years, and didn't cheat on her once. hes a better man then me) i heard my name mentioned, and my ears pricked up of course. i couldnt hear much but i distinctly remember hearing one of my housemates say i need a girlfriend, and the rest of them agreeing. apparantly i need someone to 'keep me under control', were the words i heard.
now my only experience with ketamine is spending the last three years surrounded by people who take it, and watching their eyes go big and their attention spans decrease rapidly. i dont know how it affects what you say, but he said it none the less.
NOW i think i can see where he was coming from, i was in a room with about twenty people the other day, probably an even split between males and females, we were all laughing and drinking, and i looked around and realised that i had had sex with every girl in the room, apart from the one sitting on my lap. (im working on her, she's an absolute beauty. will update on that as it happens)
but is that a bad thing? i enjoy sex.
THEN i thought, and have been thinking ever since, and for sometime before. once ive had sex with a girl, i kind of lose interest. i meet a girl, and either see her as a walking vagina, or as a potential girlfriend. then once ive had sex with her, i dont really care anymore. that's bad isnt it?
i think i want a girlfriend. my housemate and best friend has spent all day today lying in bed with his girlfriend. his room is on the ground floor, and he ordered food to the house and collected it through the window so they could eat together without getting out of bed. i think i want that. i think i want someone who is always texting me and making sure i'm ok, someone who cares about me. someone who wants to come round and get drunk with me and my friends and then go up and fall asleep in my bed and wait for me to go and join her later so we can kiss and fall asleep. someone who will still be there in the morning.
and so here is my dilemma. i have inadvertently created a persona for myself, among people who know me, as someone who will never have a girlfriend. I am, still, opposed to the idea of monogamy, and express this opinion freely and with no regard to my audience. i think this has made it hard for people i know to believe i'm being serious, if i told them this.
everything i write here, is all in my head. i never tell anyone.
and so this has left me with the position of potential girlfriends only being girls i have met outside of my friendship groups, girls numbers i have acquired at various points, or met somewhere, etc.
currently there are three particular specimens i have my eye on.
number one, is a german girl in the year below me at university. she seems wonderful but she is going back to germany permanently 'at some point before april' so im not holding out much for her. wouldnt mind sleeping with her though.
number two, i might have mentioned here before, i met her while she was pouring me a pint in one of our local pubs. went out for a drink with her and arrived drunk out of my face, we hit it off pretty well, and as far as i can tell she wants to see me again, but she is terrible at texting me back, like really bad, sometimes it takes her a day to reply to my messages, and so i can never get anywhere trying to organise anything. definitely want to sleep with her, she has a look in her eyes like she'd be a devil in bed.
number three, i know i have mentioned before. ginger girl, met her while she poured me a pint (in a completely separate pub to number two). went out with her once, got steaming drunk, laughed and joked, held hands, she lives near me and so we got the bus back from town together and kissed goodbye, and she text me when she got home. i want to see her again. it's been months since i saw her last now. she seems to have lost interest, i text her regularly to try and maintain a sense of being, to remind her i'm still around. before christmas, around the time we went out, she was brilliant at texting back. under five minutes, every time. now, i text her, usually dont get a reply at all. why? she says she is busy with her ucas, which is true because shes talking about it with her friends all over facebook. but if i was doing my ucas and she text me, id drop it on the spot and text her back.
this small but meaningful gesture (or rather, lack of gesture) has led to a steep drop in my self esteem. am i not good enough? this girl does not know me, or any of my friends, she doesn't know that i have a reputation for sleeping around, i have been funny and charming to her so consistently, and it appears she has lost interest.
so this is just who i am now. this is what i think about. it's depressing on such a tremendous level.
people ask me why i drink so much
as predicted, i feel much better now i'm back here. the day i got back, a lot of my friends came round and we got very drunk and laughed and joked and then i passed out, i had a great time. i cant tell what made me so sad over the holidays, the lack of alcohol or the lack of people. i do spend a lot of time by myself, because i enjoy it, and i only ever really drink alcohol when there are other people around, (although i wish that wasnt the case) so i dont know where it came from really.
had sex yesterday. it's her 30th birthday today. that makes her ten years older then me. we are very close friends, who just happen to fuck every now and then. she's a lovely girl.
THE MAIN REASON
im writing this post tonight, is because, as usual, i have been thinking.
the other night, my housemates all went out. i had an exam the following morning so i stayed in, they promised to be quiet but apparantly alcohol and ketamine makes you an obnoxious irresponsible person and they all came back and woke up the entire house and got us a noise complaint from next door at four o'clock in the morning. anyway, they all sat in a bedroom upstairs, across the corridor from me, oblivious to their noise. i lay in bed and heard them having a particularly deep discussion, fuelled by class A drugs. they were chatting shit for a while but then the conversation turned to relationships, as my housemate has just come out of a three year stint with some girl (god knows how he did three years, and didn't cheat on her once. hes a better man then me) i heard my name mentioned, and my ears pricked up of course. i couldnt hear much but i distinctly remember hearing one of my housemates say i need a girlfriend, and the rest of them agreeing. apparantly i need someone to 'keep me under control', were the words i heard.
now my only experience with ketamine is spending the last three years surrounded by people who take it, and watching their eyes go big and their attention spans decrease rapidly. i dont know how it affects what you say, but he said it none the less.
NOW i think i can see where he was coming from, i was in a room with about twenty people the other day, probably an even split between males and females, we were all laughing and drinking, and i looked around and realised that i had had sex with every girl in the room, apart from the one sitting on my lap. (im working on her, she's an absolute beauty. will update on that as it happens)
but is that a bad thing? i enjoy sex.
THEN i thought, and have been thinking ever since, and for sometime before. once ive had sex with a girl, i kind of lose interest. i meet a girl, and either see her as a walking vagina, or as a potential girlfriend. then once ive had sex with her, i dont really care anymore. that's bad isnt it?
i think i want a girlfriend. my housemate and best friend has spent all day today lying in bed with his girlfriend. his room is on the ground floor, and he ordered food to the house and collected it through the window so they could eat together without getting out of bed. i think i want that. i think i want someone who is always texting me and making sure i'm ok, someone who cares about me. someone who wants to come round and get drunk with me and my friends and then go up and fall asleep in my bed and wait for me to go and join her later so we can kiss and fall asleep. someone who will still be there in the morning.
and so here is my dilemma. i have inadvertently created a persona for myself, among people who know me, as someone who will never have a girlfriend. I am, still, opposed to the idea of monogamy, and express this opinion freely and with no regard to my audience. i think this has made it hard for people i know to believe i'm being serious, if i told them this.
everything i write here, is all in my head. i never tell anyone.
and so this has left me with the position of potential girlfriends only being girls i have met outside of my friendship groups, girls numbers i have acquired at various points, or met somewhere, etc.
currently there are three particular specimens i have my eye on.
number one, is a german girl in the year below me at university. she seems wonderful but she is going back to germany permanently 'at some point before april' so im not holding out much for her. wouldnt mind sleeping with her though.
number two, i might have mentioned here before, i met her while she was pouring me a pint in one of our local pubs. went out for a drink with her and arrived drunk out of my face, we hit it off pretty well, and as far as i can tell she wants to see me again, but she is terrible at texting me back, like really bad, sometimes it takes her a day to reply to my messages, and so i can never get anywhere trying to organise anything. definitely want to sleep with her, she has a look in her eyes like she'd be a devil in bed.
number three, i know i have mentioned before. ginger girl, met her while she poured me a pint (in a completely separate pub to number two). went out with her once, got steaming drunk, laughed and joked, held hands, she lives near me and so we got the bus back from town together and kissed goodbye, and she text me when she got home. i want to see her again. it's been months since i saw her last now. she seems to have lost interest, i text her regularly to try and maintain a sense of being, to remind her i'm still around. before christmas, around the time we went out, she was brilliant at texting back. under five minutes, every time. now, i text her, usually dont get a reply at all. why? she says she is busy with her ucas, which is true because shes talking about it with her friends all over facebook. but if i was doing my ucas and she text me, id drop it on the spot and text her back.
this small but meaningful gesture (or rather, lack of gesture) has led to a steep drop in my self esteem. am i not good enough? this girl does not know me, or any of my friends, she doesn't know that i have a reputation for sleeping around, i have been funny and charming to her so consistently, and it appears she has lost interest.
so this is just who i am now. this is what i think about. it's depressing on such a tremendous level.
people ask me why i drink so much
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