really

fucking drunk, literally incoherent. i went on a date the other night, i might have mentioned her before, and she has changed my life. apparantly. everyone i live with says i have changed since that very night, i have stopped running after girls down the street and asking them for their numbers (100% success rate so far, don't hate the player hate the game), apparantly i've stopped looking at girls who walk past me as well, i think my housemates are saying this to get me paranoid but i see where they are coming from. i find myself looking at girls and instead thinking of this certain girl. it makes me feel very uncomfortable. this is the last thing i want, and it has been for a while now, and its exactly what is happening to me.
im drunk enough to grab a laptop off my friend and type it out before i forget it tomorrow, coz i will have the meanest hangover. i needed to say this to someone, and the internet is the safest place i guess?
theres a lot of stuff on the internet.

Well

been too busy to post recently, mountains of university work piling up. floods of alcohol in my system. hours of sleep in bed.
The aformentioned 'date' went very well, i think. i ended up arriving to meet her very drunk and had to hold back for the entire night, talking slowly and trying not to slur my words etc. But as far as i can tell, we hit it off, she says once she finishes her dissertation we can see each other again. i was left with no outstanding impression of her other then that she has an incredible pair of breasts and i want to have sex with her. by the way she talks i think she would be great at giving head.

other then this girl, there exists at the moment several others i have my eye on in particular.
1. girl who is friend of girl my housemate is fucking (blonde)
2. girl who is friend of my flatmate last year (dark red hair)
3. girl who i met last year and havent seen since, but lives close enough to university to warrant me visiting her between lectures for sex (must chase this one up a bit more actively) (black skin, black hair)
4. girl who i never spoke to last year, but saw around, and is friends of my friends, and then started talking to and she really likes me but lives very far away (indian, black hair)
5. girl who is best friend of my best friend (brunette)

of course there are many others, the girls that satisfy my regular needs for sex, the girls im always texting but never actually see, the girls who always text me while i try to avoid them, etc.

HOWEVER
last night, i went out on another 'date'. Which was essentially a pub crawl. I think we went to four or five different pubs around town.
She is the barmaid in the local Wetherspoons pub (where me and my friends spend a great deal of time) and i was drunk enough to ask her for her number while she was pouring me a pint. i texted her and she seemed pretty up for going out, so we arranged it.
this girl can drink. she can drink like me.
i stumbled home last night quite early in the morning, drunk out my face. she lives five minutes from my house, so we caught the bus home from town together and everything. she is quite shy and timid, so it was mostly me talking at first, but after a couple of pints we really warmed to each other. the entire evening went amazingly. we kissed in the pubs, in the streets, on the bus, we held hands (ick..), poked fun at each other, cracked jokes, sung songs, everything. i had left the house forgetting to spray cologne on myself, and by the time i had met up with her probably stunk of cigarettes, sweat, beer, gin and beef burgers, but she would always lean in and tell me how nice i smelt.
it almost went too well.
i am getting slack. we got off the bus and i kissed her goodbye, and i found myself walking home with a smile on my face. in hindsight, this makes me feel quite uncomfortable. the last thing i want is to start feeling emotions for a girl. i just dont have the time right now.
will update again soon. i think we are going out again on sunday, or perhaps next week.

it's been a while

since last i posted. been very busy. feel the need to get my thoughts out, things have been building up.

the girl i went out on a date with, who i was convinced might be different and maybe worth actually spending time with, left my house a couple days ago. she came to live with us for a week.
she is an extra in a film adaptation of Anna Karenina by Tolstoy, (which is being directed by Joe Wright, stars Keira Knightley and is out in cinemas next year, for anyone interested) and she had to be in shepperton studios to film her scenes every day for a week. i live in south west london, which is closer to shepperton than where she lives, so she came to stay for a week. my housemates and my friends have all heard stories about the supposed girl that could get me to settle down, and they all seemed to like her.
Her living with us put me off.
she doesnt drink, at all. she would get back from a day filming and we would all be sitting around getting drunk, shed make a cup of herbal tea and then go lie in my bed. every night. i started off being chivalrous and sleeping on the sofa but i got progressively colder each night and ended up just sleeping next to her, after her requests for me to do so.
when she left after a week, she bought me a bottle of whiskey, some chocolates, and two thank-you cards. Two! who fucking buys two cards to say thank you to someone?
these gifts, her constant want for physical contact with me, and the fact that she requested i sleep next to her in bed, i took as signs that she likes me. i would try to kiss her and shed turn into it and give me a cheek, every time. i slept in the same bed as her for four nights, and did not even get a kiss on the lips.

now i thought about this, and at first i was quite confused. ive known this girl for months and months, why is she acting like this? why is she almost completely void of sex drive?
then it hit me. maybe its not her, maybe its me. ive been in school, then straight to college, and now straight into university. the girls i meet through these networks, are all young and free and sexual. this particular girl is a bit older, and has almost no involvement with university life. maybe its not her, maybe all the girls ive met are just still young. 

i thought this, then quickly found myself in a paradox. i want a mature girl, someone i can talk to about books and films and music, and this girl fits the criteria. however, im male, and i have needs. it quickly dawned on me that i have to pick between intelligence and amazing sex (or any form of sex, in this case.)

now im quite close with my mom. i love her dearly. she, along with alcohol and cigarettes, is the constant in my life. she is aware of my plight, my quest for the perfect woman. i think she is even proud of me for it, although why i do not know. i rang home the other night and we talked about it for some time, both of us quite inebriated. whenever one of us (usually her) brings up the topic of me finding a girlfriend, she provides me with the following theory. i will paraphrase and leave out her drunken nonsense.

whenever she speaks to one of her friends, who was in a relationship throughout university, they always say they regret it. the relationship never leads anywhere (further cementing my own theory of this fact) and they feel like they missed out on a lot of other opportunities to sow their seed, as it were.
my mom fully supports me remaining single throughout university, and also fully supports my secondary career choice to become a male escort (i was joking when i suggested this to her, but she seemed serious)

now whether or not her theory is true, or she is just saying it to me, i dont know. but i can see where she is coming from. a few of my housemates have girlfriends, and they just seem like such a hassle. i fail to see good points with any of them. they are wonderful people, and we all get along famously, but as girlfriends ive always been skeptical.

my one particular housemate, whom i shall refer to as W, i am very good friends with. he met his girlfriend several months after i met him, when we had got to know each other quite well. they had their honeymoon period, of course, but now when she rings him or texts him, or even while she sits next to him in our living room, i see this look in his eyes. its not hatred, or sadness, but more of a sense of hopelessness. he wants to break it off with her, but she loves him too much. we all know it would break her heart.
the look in W's eyes, reminds me of the look i used to get during the last months with my previous girlfriend (about four years ago), its a look of desparity, almost.
when it comes to their relationship, i feel only pity for both of them. its like they are trapped in this limbo of monotony, waiting for some sort of catalyst to either plunge them deeper into their relationship or split them apart from each other. i regularly use them as a prime example of why i dont want a relationship.

after observing such situations as this (there are others), and the wise words from my semi-drunken mother, i made a decision to remain a single man throughout university. im currently in my second year, and almost every day i meet a new girl. i cant keep up with myself sometimes, i forget about girls for weeks on end, only to stumble across them in my contact list and remember that im trying to sleep with them. especially last year, when i was living in halls of residence, i garnered a reputation for such behaviour, but ive noticed it seems to make girls more attracted to me. this is one of the many stupid things that girls do. if someone is renowned for sleeping around, surely girls would avoid him? but apparantly not, i have had sex with girls many times based on my reputation alone.
i would ponder this mid-sex, and find it quite funny.

i have a 'date' tonight. its not a true date, i dont think, because its with a girl that works in our local pub, where we go every thursday for a pub quiz. she was behind the bar, and i left last week with her number (and third place in the quiz out of sixteen teams) meaning to see her again. shes quite gorgeous.
tonight, is a week after ive met her, and she suggested we go for a drink in the same place where she works. i find this quite odd, but the pub serves good beer and its close to my house, so i cant complain.
i will update on how that particular meeting goes.

MEANWHILE
i find myself swamped in coursework, more ideas for the novel i'm writing building up in my head, and the need for food and alcohol tormenting me. i would go and get some breakfast right now, but i have nothing to eat and there is a strange man sleeping on the sofa downstairs. i shall chainsmoke for hours until he has left/woken up, then go and sate my hunger. until then, i shall play mindless computer games to take my mind off all the girls i need to sleep with.



it's a hard life.

i went on a date yesterday. it feels weird even typing those words.

she is four years older than me, and you can see it in her face. i like it.
she is half swiss, half welsh, and beautiful from head to toe. i found myself lost in her eyes more times then id care to admit.
we went to Covent Garden and watched street performers, then sat in a pub and talked about our childhoods, our families, books, plays, music and religion. I was interested in every word that came out of her mouth.

as far as Im concerned, she is almost perfect.
however, she's Christian. but not one of those self-righteous idiots that give the rest of the religion a bad name. we can sit and talk about it and (as far as i can tell) she is open about other ideologies. so it shouldnt be an obstacle, right?

now i just hope she doesnt believe in no sex before marriage. being around her gives me urges.

Ive been called a womaniser twice today. Once yesterday i think. I cant count the amount of times i get asked if 'this is how i treat all the girls.' its so frustrating. i wish there werent these social boundaries of how much sex people can have with each other, we would all be much better off. and itd help me forget about the fact that i cant find someone who suits me.

Moved into my new house a couple of weeks ago. Haven't done anywhere near as much work as I'd hoped.
By work, I mean laundry. I've got fuck all to do until my course starts at the end of september, but I still feel like I'm wasting time.
It is becoming increasingly obvious to me that I want/need a girlfriend. Most probably want. I'm directly opposed to all monogamous relationships, and all partnerships of any kind to be honest, but I find myself wanting a constant presence, someone I know will always be close by. Someone I can have sex with.
I know it's not just the sex, there's definetly a higher element to it, but I've spent the last couple years boycotting emotions and now I find myself desperate to feel them for someone. Believe me, unknown reader, it's the most irritating thing in the world.
We are all hypocrites, we are all shallow and selfish, and it makes us even more so inclined when we refuse to accept it.
I am fully aware of the fact that I want something I've actively hated for years. I dont know what to think about this.
But what I do know is that it's what I want right now and fuck what anyone thinks, no matter how long theyve known me to be how I am. There are a few girls I have in mind, but with them I get the feeling the fantasy is better than the reality.
What am i talking about, of course it is. It is with everyone.
And to make a relationship work you need to compromise and realise this fact, and get to know the real person underneath.
Which is one of the reasons i despise relationships. I dont want to get to know people. People are idiots.
People are fucking stupid and I want them to stay away from me.
And the minute i find someone who also knows this, I will be set for life.
But I never will, because people are too stupid.
And the cycle continues.

I'm going to bed.

Perfect

If this blog couldnt get any more self-indulgent.
ive been wanting to make a list of things that would make my perfect girl for a while now, somewhere visible so i can mull over it and further entrench myself in the idea that this girl, plainly and simply, does not exist.


She is funny. and not laugh-at-her funny.
She reads books. and not Twilight or that shit, i mean actual books. preferably enjoys noir and surrealist literature.
She can hold a decent conversation about topics beyond her own physical appearance
She is independent, but ultimately submissive. She doesnt need to text me every night, we have our own space, but she will do what i tell her.
She listens to more then one genre of music. and is open to listening to new things beyond her musical comfort zone (which should be quite broad regardless)
A couple of tattoos would definetly not go amiss.
She has to know her place as a woman, and be feminine in all aspects.
Ideally, she smokes. Or doesnt give a fuck that I smoke. By extension, she can roll cigarettes
Having slight bisexual tendencies would spice things up, past girlfriends with such tendencies have led to some interesting experiences
She knows when not to talk. i.e. she will shut the fuck up
Of course i want her to be physically attractive but if she ticks every other box on this list i dont think id care too much what she looks like. (i believe its hypocritical when people say they dont care about physical appeareance. everyone does and thats it)
She enjoys films beyond romantic comedies. preferably also less mainstream films, the more obscure the better. quoting lines from said films at correct times is also acceptable.
She swallows.
She doesnt live miles away, but she also doesnt live close enough that she thinks she can just pop round whenever she wants.
She doesnt do drugs
She will sit in with a 'lads night' and enjoy herself
Her judgements arent clouded by emotions
She isnt a complete idiot

Now if you are reading this and thinking im some sort of mysoginist pig,
1. you are right
and
2. my opinions are just based off girls in my life. all of them.