I find myself thinking more about this girl.
There are many girls in my life, and I have varying relationships with a lot of them. Some of them are just sexual relationships, purely using each other. Some of them are completely platonic. Some of them, I have feelings for, but live too far away or are in relationships themselves. There are a few girls I honestly care for, but apparently if there is more than one, it can't be true. They're a weird bunch.

But this one girl. I am caring less and less about other girls by the day. I want her, I think.
I was discussing this over a pint with some friends yesterday. One of them told me I am "maturing emotionally."
I think this may be the key. I'm not stupid enough to just have sex with girls for the rest of my life. I want something more.
Maybe this girl is it?

so the 'date' went very well last night. she's beautiful.
she's also a feminist.

the other night, when our friend told me if something scares me, I should do it. This is scaring me. I think I'm going to persevere. Last night I got back really drunk and took down the naked girl posters in my room.

I was sitting in the pub with her, talking about feminism. As far as I know, she hasn't heard or been told about my extreme misogynist views. I asked her if I'm not a feminist, what am I, and she said "a bit of a dick."
She's funny and charming too. She feels good to kiss.

Somehow the topic of abortion came up, and she started talking. She is very opinionated on abortion. There was this glimmer in her eye when she was talking.. I found it very attractive.

I can tell she likes me, but I really don't know why. I'm anxious to go any further because I don't want to disappoint her when she finds out more about me.

I don't know what I'm doing at the moment. I'm conflicted. But maybe I need a change? I'm shaving my head today, which is symbolic I suppose.

So tonight I'm taking a girl out for a drink. She's lovely. She's the best friend of my best friend's girlfriend. We have known each other for a while but usually at gatherings/parties where I am drunk and obnoxious, and subsequently I'm pretty sure she doesn't think too highly of me, although I am informed otherwise by mutual friends.

It would appear that people have started noticing that I'm upset a lot of the time recently, I have been given several different and contradicting pieces of advice about what to do with myself.
Last night we were in the pub, about twenty of us, including the girl I'm seeing tonight. I ended up having a one-to-one with a close friend of ours, who always seems to impart me with knowledge.
She said I should do the things I'm scared to do.
Now I'm definitely scared to embrace any sort of relationship. I feel like I need it, and I reckon I'd be good at it. But it's been years since I had any sort of long-lasting connection with a woman.

And there's a girl back home. She means a lot to me. But I go home maybe twice, three times a year. I don't get to see her much. Part of me wants to hold back and see where it goes with her, but it would be so difficult trying to make it work considering I live in a different part of the country.
She's amazing but I feel like I should just let it go and focus more on where I am right now.
Which would mean seeing this girl.


I'm going to see how tonight goes, try and make up my mind whether or not I want to abandon my entire life philosophy for the past four years and start dating girls again.

Haven't had time to post in a while. Been busy. Exam season, coursework deadlines. It's so depressing.

So I went to Spain for two weeks, then got back and had loads of sex with this girl.
My friends tell me I like her. Her friends tell me I like her. I'm not so sure myself, I think we just fuck a lot. I hope, anyway. She's got an arranged marriage at the end of this month so it's irrelevant either way.
She did, however, take me to Torture Gardens (google it) with her friend, who is also stunningly beautiful.

Afterwards we went back to her flat and had a threesome. It was by far the best threesome I have had.

I'm going back through a phase of seeing couples in the street and getting jealous. At least I think it's jealousy. I went out with some of my closest friends the other night, and while walking to the pub I looked around and realised I was surrounded entirely by couples. All my best friends have some sort of relationship with each other, and then I found myself completely alone. I am with them, of course, we are all very close with each other, but I found myself alone. Sometimes I feel like I always will be.