Haven't updated in a while, I've been so busy.

I am currently on a university field project in Ullapool, in the north-west of Scotland. In the middle of nowhere, far away from all my friends, from my home, and I am stuck here for a month at least.
Far away from females.

Far away from this particular girl.
Now I am fully aware of the content of my posts since I began this blog, however long ago it was.

(Why is Google Chrome giving the word 'blog' a red underline as I type it? Surely that would be in its dictionary by now..)

And I am fully aware that I have been looking, maybe consciously, maybe not, for a relationship. Despite my views towards them. I think I have been looking in the wrong places, looking at the wrong girls.
Maybe I still am, I am completely unsure.
I'm no good at relationships, I don't think. I thought I was really good at the last relationship I had, but looking back on it I really wasn't. I cheated on her with her best friend since they were both like 5 years old. And she came up to me outside a pub two years after we had broken up and told me how shitty I was as a boyfriend.
Which doesn't exactly fill me with confidence, but I know that was all in the past, I honestly think I have it in myself now to make a good partner, I think I can be loyal and caring if it's brought out in me.
I need someone to direct my affections towards.
The particular girl, the subject of my last two or three posts, is a spectacular young woman.
Today I went to a market on the coast and there was a little book shop, and I bought her a book called The First Lady Chatterley. When D.H. Lawrence wrote Lady Chatterley's Lover he produced three versions, the third one was the most tame and the only one published to the public. This book, sitting next to me now, is the first version, the most raw version, that came straight from his pen to his paper, with no amendments, that was somehow published in 1944 with a unique foreword by his wife.

I hope she likes it.

I find myself thinking more about this girl.
There are many girls in my life, and I have varying relationships with a lot of them. Some of them are just sexual relationships, purely using each other. Some of them are completely platonic. Some of them, I have feelings for, but live too far away or are in relationships themselves. There are a few girls I honestly care for, but apparently if there is more than one, it can't be true. They're a weird bunch.

But this one girl. I am caring less and less about other girls by the day. I want her, I think.
I was discussing this over a pint with some friends yesterday. One of them told me I am "maturing emotionally."
I think this may be the key. I'm not stupid enough to just have sex with girls for the rest of my life. I want something more.
Maybe this girl is it?

so the 'date' went very well last night. she's beautiful.
she's also a feminist.

the other night, when our friend told me if something scares me, I should do it. This is scaring me. I think I'm going to persevere. Last night I got back really drunk and took down the naked girl posters in my room.

I was sitting in the pub with her, talking about feminism. As far as I know, she hasn't heard or been told about my extreme misogynist views. I asked her if I'm not a feminist, what am I, and she said "a bit of a dick."
She's funny and charming too. She feels good to kiss.

Somehow the topic of abortion came up, and she started talking. She is very opinionated on abortion. There was this glimmer in her eye when she was talking.. I found it very attractive.

I can tell she likes me, but I really don't know why. I'm anxious to go any further because I don't want to disappoint her when she finds out more about me.

I don't know what I'm doing at the moment. I'm conflicted. But maybe I need a change? I'm shaving my head today, which is symbolic I suppose.

So tonight I'm taking a girl out for a drink. She's lovely. She's the best friend of my best friend's girlfriend. We have known each other for a while but usually at gatherings/parties where I am drunk and obnoxious, and subsequently I'm pretty sure she doesn't think too highly of me, although I am informed otherwise by mutual friends.

It would appear that people have started noticing that I'm upset a lot of the time recently, I have been given several different and contradicting pieces of advice about what to do with myself.
Last night we were in the pub, about twenty of us, including the girl I'm seeing tonight. I ended up having a one-to-one with a close friend of ours, who always seems to impart me with knowledge.
She said I should do the things I'm scared to do.
Now I'm definitely scared to embrace any sort of relationship. I feel like I need it, and I reckon I'd be good at it. But it's been years since I had any sort of long-lasting connection with a woman.

And there's a girl back home. She means a lot to me. But I go home maybe twice, three times a year. I don't get to see her much. Part of me wants to hold back and see where it goes with her, but it would be so difficult trying to make it work considering I live in a different part of the country.
She's amazing but I feel like I should just let it go and focus more on where I am right now.
Which would mean seeing this girl.


I'm going to see how tonight goes, try and make up my mind whether or not I want to abandon my entire life philosophy for the past four years and start dating girls again.

Haven't had time to post in a while. Been busy. Exam season, coursework deadlines. It's so depressing.

So I went to Spain for two weeks, then got back and had loads of sex with this girl.
My friends tell me I like her. Her friends tell me I like her. I'm not so sure myself, I think we just fuck a lot. I hope, anyway. She's got an arranged marriage at the end of this month so it's irrelevant either way.
She did, however, take me to Torture Gardens (google it) with her friend, who is also stunningly beautiful.

Afterwards we went back to her flat and had a threesome. It was by far the best threesome I have had.

I'm going back through a phase of seeing couples in the street and getting jealous. At least I think it's jealousy. I went out with some of my closest friends the other night, and while walking to the pub I looked around and realised I was surrounded entirely by couples. All my best friends have some sort of relationship with each other, and then I found myself completely alone. I am with them, of course, we are all very close with each other, but I found myself alone. Sometimes I feel like I always will be.

ive wanted sex

since i got back to wolverhampton two weeks ago. i had sex today. she came round my house and took her clothes off and she was wearing a full set of lingerie, silk stockings, etc. she put her glasses on for me because she knows i like that. she has the most impressive pair of breasts i have laid eyes and lips on.

and i was so, completely, bored.

my grandfather's funeral is in two days.

this weekend, i've fallen a little bit in love. ive come back to wolverhampton for the easter holidays and to see all my friends, there's a particular special girl i've been dying to see for a while. we are very close friends and get along very well. she has been having boyfriend troubles, and so i took her out on the town for a night. we had an excellent time, and i left her at 4 o clock in the morning with the largest love bite on my neck i have ever received. me taking her out, prompted her boyfriend to end their already turbulent relationship. she texted me and told me, with exclamation marks and smiley faces all over the place. i proceeded to take her out again, the next night, as she is now single. she cries about him.
what am i to do?