was yesterday, i had a brilliant time. Walking round all day staring at literally some of THE most beautiful girls i have ever seen, all tattooed up, tiny little outfits, i was in heaven. But it quickly dawned on me i hadn't had sex in coming up to a month, so i needed to do something about it.
this morning i called on one of my regulars, a girl i met at university. no one really likes her, and i dont really like her either. but she texted me first, and i wanted sex, so i headed over.
shes fucking crazy. she has depression (apparantly), and shes really fucked up in the head. she talks about suicide a lot. the plus side to this is that she is a filthy little girl, who lets me do all sorts of depraved things to her, hence why she is one of my regulars. shes quite attractive, average build, disproportionately large breasts, nice ass with enough flesh on it while keeping her waist pretty slim.. she is in the rowing team and netball team, so she has quite an athletic tone to her body. shes just almost clinically insane.
i got to her house and put my wallet and cigarettes down on top of a pile of prescriptions and empty drug packets, and proceeded to degrade her and generally be completely dominating. i was literally mid-fuck and she starts crying and turns away from me.
it will always escape me how girls can suddenly not be in the mood for sex, in the middle of sex.
i rolled a cigarette and lay down on her bed, even though her flat is non-smoking.
eventually i put my clothes on, and i was about to leave, when i was watching her get dressed and decided to fuck her again. so i bent her over, and we had sex for about five minutes before she turns away from me again and lies down.
her ex-boyfriend had been texting her all day and ringing her, and she crawled across the bed to answer the phone even though from what i can tell she obviously doesnt like him.
i pretended to be mad at her and left, and shes been texting me saying sorry ever since.
i left her flat and went to mcdonalds to order my usual chips and two burgers (you get one free with a student card) and this song came on the speakers. i think it was Katy B or someone. the lyrics went something like "these boys arent on a level, believe me, i cant find a man to please me" or something.
That irritated me. those sort of songs irritate me anyway, but especially so today when i heard that.
i still cant work out why, but it irritated me.
Sunday, 29 January 2012
Sunday, 15 January 2012
SO
been back in the london house for just under two weeks now, it's exam season. ive got one left on friday and then i have ten days of complete freedom.
as predicted, i feel much better now i'm back here. the day i got back, a lot of my friends came round and we got very drunk and laughed and joked and then i passed out, i had a great time. i cant tell what made me so sad over the holidays, the lack of alcohol or the lack of people. i do spend a lot of time by myself, because i enjoy it, and i only ever really drink alcohol when there are other people around, (although i wish that wasnt the case) so i dont know where it came from really.
had sex yesterday. it's her 30th birthday today. that makes her ten years older then me. we are very close friends, who just happen to fuck every now and then. she's a lovely girl.
THE MAIN REASON
im writing this post tonight, is because, as usual, i have been thinking.
the other night, my housemates all went out. i had an exam the following morning so i stayed in, they promised to be quiet but apparantly alcohol and ketamine makes you an obnoxious irresponsible person and they all came back and woke up the entire house and got us a noise complaint from next door at four o'clock in the morning. anyway, they all sat in a bedroom upstairs, across the corridor from me, oblivious to their noise. i lay in bed and heard them having a particularly deep discussion, fuelled by class A drugs. they were chatting shit for a while but then the conversation turned to relationships, as my housemate has just come out of a three year stint with some girl (god knows how he did three years, and didn't cheat on her once. hes a better man then me) i heard my name mentioned, and my ears pricked up of course. i couldnt hear much but i distinctly remember hearing one of my housemates say i need a girlfriend, and the rest of them agreeing. apparantly i need someone to 'keep me under control', were the words i heard.
now my only experience with ketamine is spending the last three years surrounded by people who take it, and watching their eyes go big and their attention spans decrease rapidly. i dont know how it affects what you say, but he said it none the less.
NOW i think i can see where he was coming from, i was in a room with about twenty people the other day, probably an even split between males and females, we were all laughing and drinking, and i looked around and realised that i had had sex with every girl in the room, apart from the one sitting on my lap. (im working on her, she's an absolute beauty. will update on that as it happens)
but is that a bad thing? i enjoy sex.
THEN i thought, and have been thinking ever since, and for sometime before. once ive had sex with a girl, i kind of lose interest. i meet a girl, and either see her as a walking vagina, or as a potential girlfriend. then once ive had sex with her, i dont really care anymore. that's bad isnt it?
i think i want a girlfriend. my housemate and best friend has spent all day today lying in bed with his girlfriend. his room is on the ground floor, and he ordered food to the house and collected it through the window so they could eat together without getting out of bed. i think i want that. i think i want someone who is always texting me and making sure i'm ok, someone who cares about me. someone who wants to come round and get drunk with me and my friends and then go up and fall asleep in my bed and wait for me to go and join her later so we can kiss and fall asleep. someone who will still be there in the morning.
and so here is my dilemma. i have inadvertently created a persona for myself, among people who know me, as someone who will never have a girlfriend. I am, still, opposed to the idea of monogamy, and express this opinion freely and with no regard to my audience. i think this has made it hard for people i know to believe i'm being serious, if i told them this.
everything i write here, is all in my head. i never tell anyone.
and so this has left me with the position of potential girlfriends only being girls i have met outside of my friendship groups, girls numbers i have acquired at various points, or met somewhere, etc.
currently there are three particular specimens i have my eye on.
number one, is a german girl in the year below me at university. she seems wonderful but she is going back to germany permanently 'at some point before april' so im not holding out much for her. wouldnt mind sleeping with her though.
number two, i might have mentioned here before, i met her while she was pouring me a pint in one of our local pubs. went out for a drink with her and arrived drunk out of my face, we hit it off pretty well, and as far as i can tell she wants to see me again, but she is terrible at texting me back, like really bad, sometimes it takes her a day to reply to my messages, and so i can never get anywhere trying to organise anything. definitely want to sleep with her, she has a look in her eyes like she'd be a devil in bed.
number three, i know i have mentioned before. ginger girl, met her while she poured me a pint (in a completely separate pub to number two). went out with her once, got steaming drunk, laughed and joked, held hands, she lives near me and so we got the bus back from town together and kissed goodbye, and she text me when she got home. i want to see her again. it's been months since i saw her last now. she seems to have lost interest, i text her regularly to try and maintain a sense of being, to remind her i'm still around. before christmas, around the time we went out, she was brilliant at texting back. under five minutes, every time. now, i text her, usually dont get a reply at all. why? she says she is busy with her ucas, which is true because shes talking about it with her friends all over facebook. but if i was doing my ucas and she text me, id drop it on the spot and text her back.
this small but meaningful gesture (or rather, lack of gesture) has led to a steep drop in my self esteem. am i not good enough? this girl does not know me, or any of my friends, she doesn't know that i have a reputation for sleeping around, i have been funny and charming to her so consistently, and it appears she has lost interest.
so this is just who i am now. this is what i think about. it's depressing on such a tremendous level.
people ask me why i drink so much
as predicted, i feel much better now i'm back here. the day i got back, a lot of my friends came round and we got very drunk and laughed and joked and then i passed out, i had a great time. i cant tell what made me so sad over the holidays, the lack of alcohol or the lack of people. i do spend a lot of time by myself, because i enjoy it, and i only ever really drink alcohol when there are other people around, (although i wish that wasnt the case) so i dont know where it came from really.
had sex yesterday. it's her 30th birthday today. that makes her ten years older then me. we are very close friends, who just happen to fuck every now and then. she's a lovely girl.
THE MAIN REASON
im writing this post tonight, is because, as usual, i have been thinking.
the other night, my housemates all went out. i had an exam the following morning so i stayed in, they promised to be quiet but apparantly alcohol and ketamine makes you an obnoxious irresponsible person and they all came back and woke up the entire house and got us a noise complaint from next door at four o'clock in the morning. anyway, they all sat in a bedroom upstairs, across the corridor from me, oblivious to their noise. i lay in bed and heard them having a particularly deep discussion, fuelled by class A drugs. they were chatting shit for a while but then the conversation turned to relationships, as my housemate has just come out of a three year stint with some girl (god knows how he did three years, and didn't cheat on her once. hes a better man then me) i heard my name mentioned, and my ears pricked up of course. i couldnt hear much but i distinctly remember hearing one of my housemates say i need a girlfriend, and the rest of them agreeing. apparantly i need someone to 'keep me under control', were the words i heard.
now my only experience with ketamine is spending the last three years surrounded by people who take it, and watching their eyes go big and their attention spans decrease rapidly. i dont know how it affects what you say, but he said it none the less.
NOW i think i can see where he was coming from, i was in a room with about twenty people the other day, probably an even split between males and females, we were all laughing and drinking, and i looked around and realised that i had had sex with every girl in the room, apart from the one sitting on my lap. (im working on her, she's an absolute beauty. will update on that as it happens)
but is that a bad thing? i enjoy sex.
THEN i thought, and have been thinking ever since, and for sometime before. once ive had sex with a girl, i kind of lose interest. i meet a girl, and either see her as a walking vagina, or as a potential girlfriend. then once ive had sex with her, i dont really care anymore. that's bad isnt it?
i think i want a girlfriend. my housemate and best friend has spent all day today lying in bed with his girlfriend. his room is on the ground floor, and he ordered food to the house and collected it through the window so they could eat together without getting out of bed. i think i want that. i think i want someone who is always texting me and making sure i'm ok, someone who cares about me. someone who wants to come round and get drunk with me and my friends and then go up and fall asleep in my bed and wait for me to go and join her later so we can kiss and fall asleep. someone who will still be there in the morning.
and so here is my dilemma. i have inadvertently created a persona for myself, among people who know me, as someone who will never have a girlfriend. I am, still, opposed to the idea of monogamy, and express this opinion freely and with no regard to my audience. i think this has made it hard for people i know to believe i'm being serious, if i told them this.
everything i write here, is all in my head. i never tell anyone.
and so this has left me with the position of potential girlfriends only being girls i have met outside of my friendship groups, girls numbers i have acquired at various points, or met somewhere, etc.
currently there are three particular specimens i have my eye on.
number one, is a german girl in the year below me at university. she seems wonderful but she is going back to germany permanently 'at some point before april' so im not holding out much for her. wouldnt mind sleeping with her though.
number two, i might have mentioned here before, i met her while she was pouring me a pint in one of our local pubs. went out for a drink with her and arrived drunk out of my face, we hit it off pretty well, and as far as i can tell she wants to see me again, but she is terrible at texting me back, like really bad, sometimes it takes her a day to reply to my messages, and so i can never get anywhere trying to organise anything. definitely want to sleep with her, she has a look in her eyes like she'd be a devil in bed.
number three, i know i have mentioned before. ginger girl, met her while she poured me a pint (in a completely separate pub to number two). went out with her once, got steaming drunk, laughed and joked, held hands, she lives near me and so we got the bus back from town together and kissed goodbye, and she text me when she got home. i want to see her again. it's been months since i saw her last now. she seems to have lost interest, i text her regularly to try and maintain a sense of being, to remind her i'm still around. before christmas, around the time we went out, she was brilliant at texting back. under five minutes, every time. now, i text her, usually dont get a reply at all. why? she says she is busy with her ucas, which is true because shes talking about it with her friends all over facebook. but if i was doing my ucas and she text me, id drop it on the spot and text her back.
this small but meaningful gesture (or rather, lack of gesture) has led to a steep drop in my self esteem. am i not good enough? this girl does not know me, or any of my friends, she doesn't know that i have a reputation for sleeping around, i have been funny and charming to her so consistently, and it appears she has lost interest.
so this is just who i am now. this is what i think about. it's depressing on such a tremendous level.
people ask me why i drink so much
Saturday, 31 December 2011
there was a space of about two minutes
earlier this evening when i genuinely felt like i wanted to kill myself. actually thought about suicide. im just writing this down so i know it wasnt a dream when i remember it in a week or two.
i think i need to go back to london, back to my house, where i can chain smoke and drink whiskey all day.
if i dont cheer up after a week of being back in london, im gonna go and see a doctor. i dont know but i think this is what being mentally ill feels like
i think i need to go back to london, back to my house, where i can chain smoke and drink whiskey all day.
if i dont cheer up after a week of being back in london, im gonna go and see a doctor. i dont know but i think this is what being mentally ill feels like
Tuesday, 27 December 2011
it's my birthday today
im sitting in my room eating garlic bread and playing Arkham City. people keep texting me, ive got countless posts on my facebook wishing me a happy birthday. every single time i read one i get a little more depressed. i think i just hate this time of year full stop. christmas was shit, went to see the family yesterday and i only enjoyed that because i got drunk. Ginger girl, who I have chronicled my relationship with in some detail here, has started texting me again. on a whim. ive got to get back to london and see what happens with that.
i dont really want to leave this house though, ive come back to my parents house for the holidays, its so different to my house. i want to move back in here i think. although ive been really, really sad since i came home. not because im home, but just coincidentally i think. i feel physically exhausted, like im just really depressed and its sucking the life out of me. i need a cigarette. i need a cigarette and a vagina.
i dont really want to leave this house though, ive come back to my parents house for the holidays, its so different to my house. i want to move back in here i think. although ive been really, really sad since i came home. not because im home, but just coincidentally i think. i feel physically exhausted, like im just really depressed and its sucking the life out of me. i need a cigarette. i need a cigarette and a vagina.
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
I digressed
a little bit. Remember the girl I was talking about a few posts ago, the one I really hit it off with? Yeah she's just stopped communication with me. Completely. No texts, no facebook, nothing. There I was thinking finally I might have found a girl who's funny, beautiful, intelligent, witty, I can get along with her, I can introduce her to my friends, she doesn't live too far away, (she doesn't have tattoos but I was going to work on that.) and no. She decides to just start ignoring me. This is exactly my point, it's just fate, karma, destiny, lady luck, whatever you want to call it. I'm stuck with all these sluts for the rest of my life.
Every now and then
There comes a girl in my life who, unfortunately, means more to me then just a vagina with legs. There aren't many of these girls, but when they appear I take great care to try my best to avoid them. I will always loathe the systematic irony that stems from the situations I find myself in. For example, a lot of the time I am literally assaulted by girls, usually over my mobile phone, throwing their bodies at me. I realise how this sounds, but this does have a point so please bare with me. Here are a few examples of the messages I receive on a daily basis:
December 16th 12:08pm
Im going to finish my essay then come and suck your dick.
December 17th 00:27am
I kinda had a dream about you last night, and it involved me being bent over
Yesterday 21:12pm
I might get your name tattood on my ass.
Today, 02:33am
I need your cock
and my particular favourite at the moment:
Yesterday 20:09pm
Oh baby, I've been trying to be so patient, I can't get the image of you fucking me out of my head. How are you doing this to me?!
My reply:
Yesterday 20:16pm
I dont know but I assure you it requires absolutely no effort on my part
NOW. Obviously a lot of the girls I'm currently sleeping with are much more subtle about this sort of thing, there are only a few of them who talk like this to me. But the point I'm trying to make is as follows:
I do nothing. Literally nothing. Or in fact, in some cases, the exact opposite of what a man should do in order to appear attractive to a woman. When I met one of the girls who sent me one of those texts above, I had just dropped a pill and I was tripping out of my MIND (more on that later). And the next day she found me on Facebook, got my number from friends, etc. Practically hunted me down.
The irony of this situation, now we can look past my arrogance, is that I don't WANT any of these girls. They throw themselves at me, call me Master, tell me I can have them however I want them, and I don't want them. I will have sex with them, of course. But I don't really want to. I don't know why I do it sometimes.
Coming back to the start of this post:
The females I end up thinking more of, the ones who mean at least something to me, are always the ones I never get with.
Not once, not once in my entire life, have I been successful in an endeavour to have relations with a girl I actually care about.
All I really do is charm random girls into sleeping with me. I guess in a way it's kind of pathetic, but it's also the most elaborate defence mechanism known to man.
I'm sure I mentioned in one of the earlier posts (probably why I started writing this in the first place) but I tend to fall in love madly and deeply with someone, and then sleep with everyone else to compensate for the fact I will never get with them.
I've definitely cut down these days. I think I can control myself a little bit more now. I'll be 20 years old in a week's time. My body is finally catching up with my mind.
At college, three or so years ago, Jesus i was a right fucking state! This one girl had such a hold on me, such a fucking hold. I hate it. I never want it to happen again. I was throwing myself at her, offering her whatever she desired with no regard for my own well being. How I was, back then, in love.. it reminds me of how these girls talk to me now. It's pitiful. It's embarrassing. They should be ashamed. I should be ashamed. I am ashamed. That's what love does to a person. You should be ashamed for ever being in love with anyone, for offering yourself to someone who has done literally nothing to deserve it. What have they done for you? They exist. You know them, you are friends with them maybe. That's it. They don't deserve your entire life dedicated to them. You see them and you smile. What else is there?
Stewart Lee makes me smile but I'm not in love with him. (Well...)
Summary:
Love is the most pointless of emotions. It requires the most effort and provides the least reward. It infects your body like a plague and there is nothing you can do to get rid of it. It is immune to all counter-attacks, all cures, fire, chemicals, you name it. Love is an infection. It's a parasite. It feeds off you, draining you of your mental stamina, your physical resources, your own personal time.
There is only one cure for love, or heartbreak, or anything you could put into that category. And it is the most painful cure, more painful then any amputation, any surgery without anaesthetic.
Time.
Time is the only thing that can cure a broken heart, that can help you to forget about someone who needs forgetting about. You can't try and block them out your life, because you'll notice they aren't there any more and it'll play with your mind. You can't sleep with other people because the whole time you'll just be thinking about them. You can only wait. And it is the most horrid thing. It's like standing on a long, straight road, in the middle of a forest, in the dead of night, while torrential rain soaks through your clothes and gale force winds whip at your extremities, and you are waiting for someone to drive past to try and hitch a lift home. You have no idea how long it will take before someone will arrive, or if they will arrive at all, you simply have no choice but to stand there in the freezing cold, dripping wet, and wait.
December 16th 12:08pm
Im going to finish my essay then come and suck your dick.
December 17th 00:27am
I kinda had a dream about you last night, and it involved me being bent over
Yesterday 21:12pm
I might get your name tattood on my ass.
Today, 02:33am
I need your cock
and my particular favourite at the moment:
Yesterday 20:09pm
Oh baby, I've been trying to be so patient, I can't get the image of you fucking me out of my head. How are you doing this to me?!
My reply:
Yesterday 20:16pm
I dont know but I assure you it requires absolutely no effort on my part
NOW. Obviously a lot of the girls I'm currently sleeping with are much more subtle about this sort of thing, there are only a few of them who talk like this to me. But the point I'm trying to make is as follows:
I do nothing. Literally nothing. Or in fact, in some cases, the exact opposite of what a man should do in order to appear attractive to a woman. When I met one of the girls who sent me one of those texts above, I had just dropped a pill and I was tripping out of my MIND (more on that later). And the next day she found me on Facebook, got my number from friends, etc. Practically hunted me down.
The irony of this situation, now we can look past my arrogance, is that I don't WANT any of these girls. They throw themselves at me, call me Master, tell me I can have them however I want them, and I don't want them. I will have sex with them, of course. But I don't really want to. I don't know why I do it sometimes.
Coming back to the start of this post:
The females I end up thinking more of, the ones who mean at least something to me, are always the ones I never get with.
Not once, not once in my entire life, have I been successful in an endeavour to have relations with a girl I actually care about.
All I really do is charm random girls into sleeping with me. I guess in a way it's kind of pathetic, but it's also the most elaborate defence mechanism known to man.
I'm sure I mentioned in one of the earlier posts (probably why I started writing this in the first place) but I tend to fall in love madly and deeply with someone, and then sleep with everyone else to compensate for the fact I will never get with them.
I've definitely cut down these days. I think I can control myself a little bit more now. I'll be 20 years old in a week's time. My body is finally catching up with my mind.
At college, three or so years ago, Jesus i was a right fucking state! This one girl had such a hold on me, such a fucking hold. I hate it. I never want it to happen again. I was throwing myself at her, offering her whatever she desired with no regard for my own well being. How I was, back then, in love.. it reminds me of how these girls talk to me now. It's pitiful. It's embarrassing. They should be ashamed. I should be ashamed. I am ashamed. That's what love does to a person. You should be ashamed for ever being in love with anyone, for offering yourself to someone who has done literally nothing to deserve it. What have they done for you? They exist. You know them, you are friends with them maybe. That's it. They don't deserve your entire life dedicated to them. You see them and you smile. What else is there?
Stewart Lee makes me smile but I'm not in love with him. (Well...)
Summary:
Love is the most pointless of emotions. It requires the most effort and provides the least reward. It infects your body like a plague and there is nothing you can do to get rid of it. It is immune to all counter-attacks, all cures, fire, chemicals, you name it. Love is an infection. It's a parasite. It feeds off you, draining you of your mental stamina, your physical resources, your own personal time.
There is only one cure for love, or heartbreak, or anything you could put into that category. And it is the most painful cure, more painful then any amputation, any surgery without anaesthetic.
Time.
Time is the only thing that can cure a broken heart, that can help you to forget about someone who needs forgetting about. You can't try and block them out your life, because you'll notice they aren't there any more and it'll play with your mind. You can't sleep with other people because the whole time you'll just be thinking about them. You can only wait. And it is the most horrid thing. It's like standing on a long, straight road, in the middle of a forest, in the dead of night, while torrential rain soaks through your clothes and gale force winds whip at your extremities, and you are waiting for someone to drive past to try and hitch a lift home. You have no idea how long it will take before someone will arrive, or if they will arrive at all, you simply have no choice but to stand there in the freezing cold, dripping wet, and wait.
Thursday, 1 December 2011
As predicted
i have the most brutal hangover. Nothing a few toasted waffles and cranberry juice cant fix. The only reason i havent started drinking again this morning is because i cant afford it. I just re-read the post that I made last night (see below), and even though im sober now it still makes sense. i wont edit it at all.
she text me last night, and cancelled our arranged meeting for today. i found myself drinking faster. i was very drunk at the time and it made me sad that i wouldnt get to see her. i had to leave everyone and go sit on the stairs.
Everyone is saying its good, telling me to take a chance, and its nice seeing me like this with a girl, and other things i dont want to hear.
I dont know this girl at all. I met her in a fucking pub, i've been out with her once and the only reason we had a good time was because we were getting wasted. she could be the biggest bitch on earth, she could be deceitful and manipulative. she probably is. i dont know what to think anymore. this is why emotions are illogical, they are stopping my brain from functioning properly.
i want to stay single for the entire of university. thats a year and a half left to go.
in the shorter term, i want to get away from everything for a while. go live somewhere else, maybe only for a weekend.
i'll be back home soon enough, the christmas holidays arent far off and my birthday is the 27th, i need to go and see my parents and sleep in a bed that doesnt smell like whiskey.
she text me last night, and cancelled our arranged meeting for today. i found myself drinking faster. i was very drunk at the time and it made me sad that i wouldnt get to see her. i had to leave everyone and go sit on the stairs.
Everyone is saying its good, telling me to take a chance, and its nice seeing me like this with a girl, and other things i dont want to hear.
I dont know this girl at all. I met her in a fucking pub, i've been out with her once and the only reason we had a good time was because we were getting wasted. she could be the biggest bitch on earth, she could be deceitful and manipulative. she probably is. i dont know what to think anymore. this is why emotions are illogical, they are stopping my brain from functioning properly.
i want to stay single for the entire of university. thats a year and a half left to go.
in the shorter term, i want to get away from everything for a while. go live somewhere else, maybe only for a weekend.
i'll be back home soon enough, the christmas holidays arent far off and my birthday is the 27th, i need to go and see my parents and sleep in a bed that doesnt smell like whiskey.
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