there was a space of about two minutes

earlier this evening when i genuinely felt like i wanted to kill myself. actually thought about suicide. im just writing this down so i know it wasnt a dream when i remember it in a week or two.

i think i need to go back to london, back to my house, where i can chain smoke and drink whiskey all day.
if i dont cheer up after a week of being back in london, im gonna go and see a doctor. i dont know but i think this is what being mentally ill feels like

it's my birthday today

im sitting in my room eating garlic bread and playing Arkham City. people keep texting me, ive got countless posts on my facebook wishing me a happy birthday. every single time i read one i get a little more depressed. i think i just hate this time of year full stop. christmas was shit, went to see the family yesterday and i only enjoyed that because i got drunk. Ginger girl, who I have chronicled my relationship with in some detail here, has started texting me again. on a whim. ive got to get back to london and see what happens with that.
i dont really want to leave this house though, ive come back to my parents house for the holidays, its so different to my house. i want to move back in here i think. although ive been really, really sad since i came home. not because im home, but just coincidentally i think. i feel physically exhausted, like im just really depressed and its sucking the life out of me. i need a cigarette. i need a cigarette and a vagina.

I digressed

a little bit. Remember the girl I was talking about a few posts ago, the one I really hit it off with? Yeah she's just stopped communication with me. Completely. No texts, no facebook, nothing. There I was thinking finally I might have found a girl who's funny, beautiful, intelligent, witty, I can get along with her, I can introduce her to my friends, she doesn't live too far away, (she doesn't have tattoos but I was going to work on that.) and no. She decides to just start ignoring me. This is exactly my point, it's just fate, karma, destiny, lady luck, whatever you want to call it. I'm stuck with all these sluts for the rest of my life.

Every now and then

There comes a girl in my life who, unfortunately, means more to me then just a vagina with legs. There aren't many of these girls, but when they appear I take great care to try my best to avoid them. I will always loathe the systematic irony that stems from the situations I find myself in. For example, a lot of the time I am literally assaulted by girls, usually over my mobile phone, throwing their bodies at me. I realise how this sounds, but this does have a point so please bare with me. Here are a few examples of the messages I receive on a daily basis:

December 16th 12:08pm
Im going to finish my essay then come and suck your dick.

December 17th 00:27am
I kinda had a dream about you last night, and it involved me being bent over

Yesterday 21:12pm
I might get your name tattood on my ass.

Today, 02:33am
I need your cock

and my particular favourite at the moment:
Yesterday 20:09pm
Oh baby, I've been trying to be so patient, I can't get the image of you fucking me out of my head. How are you doing this to me?!
My reply:
Yesterday 20:16pm
I dont know but I assure you it requires absolutely no effort on my part


NOW. Obviously a lot of the girls I'm currently sleeping with are much more subtle about this sort of thing, there are only a few of them who talk like this to me. But the point I'm trying to make is as follows:
I do nothing. Literally nothing. Or in fact, in some cases, the exact opposite of what a man should do in order to appear attractive to a woman. When I met one of the girls who sent me one of those texts above, I had just dropped a pill and I was tripping out of my MIND (more on that later). And the next day she found me on Facebook, got my number from friends, etc. Practically hunted me down.
The irony of this situation, now we can look past my arrogance, is that I don't WANT any of these girls. They throw themselves at me, call me Master, tell me I can have them however I want them, and I don't want them. I will have sex with them, of course. But I don't really want to. I don't know why I do it sometimes.
Coming back to the start of this post:
The females I end up thinking more of, the ones who mean at least something to me, are always the ones I never get with.
Not once, not once in my entire life, have I been successful in an endeavour to have relations with a girl I actually care about.

All I really do is charm random girls into sleeping with me. I guess in a way it's kind of pathetic, but it's also the most elaborate defence mechanism known to man.

I'm sure I mentioned in one of the earlier posts (probably why I started writing this in the first place) but I tend to fall in love madly and deeply with someone, and then sleep with everyone else to compensate for the fact I will never get with them.
I've definitely cut down these days. I think I can control myself a little bit more now. I'll be 20 years old in a week's time. My body is finally catching up with my mind.
At college, three or so years ago, Jesus i was a right fucking state! This one girl had such a hold on me, such a fucking hold. I hate it. I never want it to happen again. I was throwing myself at her, offering her whatever she desired with no regard for my own well being. How I was, back then, in love.. it reminds me of how these girls talk to me now. It's pitiful. It's embarrassing. They should be ashamed. I should be ashamed. I am ashamed. That's what love does to a person. You should be ashamed for ever being in love with anyone, for offering yourself to someone who has done literally nothing to deserve it. What have they done for you? They exist. You know them, you are friends with them maybe. That's it. They don't deserve your entire life dedicated to them. You see them and you smile. What else is there?
Stewart Lee makes me smile but I'm not in love with him. (Well...)


Summary:
Love is the most pointless of emotions. It requires the most effort and provides the least reward. It infects your body like a plague and there is nothing you can do to get rid of it. It is immune to all counter-attacks, all cures, fire, chemicals, you name it. Love is an infection. It's a parasite. It feeds off you, draining you of your mental stamina, your physical resources, your own personal time.


There is only one cure for love, or heartbreak, or anything you could put into that category. And it is the most painful cure, more painful then any amputation, any surgery without anaesthetic.
Time.
Time is the only thing that can cure a broken heart, that can help you to forget about someone who needs forgetting about. You can't try and block them out your life, because you'll notice they aren't there any more and it'll play with your mind. You can't sleep with other people because the whole time you'll just be thinking about them. You can only wait. And it is the most horrid thing. It's like standing on a long, straight road, in the middle of a forest, in the dead of night, while torrential rain soaks through your clothes and gale force winds whip at your extremities, and you are waiting for someone to drive past to try and hitch a lift home. You have no idea how long it will take before someone will arrive, or if they will arrive at all, you simply have no choice but to stand there in the freezing cold, dripping wet, and wait.

As predicted

i have the most brutal hangover. Nothing a few toasted waffles and cranberry juice cant fix. The only reason i havent started drinking again this morning is because i cant afford it. I just re-read the post that I made last night (see below), and even though im sober now it still makes sense. i wont edit it at all.
she text me last night, and cancelled our arranged meeting for today. i found myself drinking faster. i was very drunk at the time and it made me sad that i wouldnt get to see her. i had to leave everyone and go sit on the stairs.
Everyone is saying its good, telling me to take a chance, and its nice seeing me like this with a girl, and other things i dont want to hear.
I dont know this girl at all. I met her in a fucking pub, i've been out with her once and the only reason we had a good time was because we were getting wasted. she could be the biggest bitch on earth, she could be deceitful and manipulative. she probably is. i dont know what to think anymore. this is why emotions are illogical, they are stopping my brain from functioning properly.
i want to stay single for the entire of university. thats a year and a half left to go.
in the shorter term, i want to get away from everything for a while. go live somewhere else, maybe only for a weekend.
i'll be back home soon enough, the christmas holidays arent far off and my birthday is the 27th, i need to go and see my parents and sleep in a bed that doesnt smell like whiskey.

really

fucking drunk, literally incoherent. i went on a date the other night, i might have mentioned her before, and she has changed my life. apparantly. everyone i live with says i have changed since that very night, i have stopped running after girls down the street and asking them for their numbers (100% success rate so far, don't hate the player hate the game), apparantly i've stopped looking at girls who walk past me as well, i think my housemates are saying this to get me paranoid but i see where they are coming from. i find myself looking at girls and instead thinking of this certain girl. it makes me feel very uncomfortable. this is the last thing i want, and it has been for a while now, and its exactly what is happening to me.
im drunk enough to grab a laptop off my friend and type it out before i forget it tomorrow, coz i will have the meanest hangover. i needed to say this to someone, and the internet is the safest place i guess?
theres a lot of stuff on the internet.

Well

been too busy to post recently, mountains of university work piling up. floods of alcohol in my system. hours of sleep in bed.
The aformentioned 'date' went very well, i think. i ended up arriving to meet her very drunk and had to hold back for the entire night, talking slowly and trying not to slur my words etc. But as far as i can tell, we hit it off, she says once she finishes her dissertation we can see each other again. i was left with no outstanding impression of her other then that she has an incredible pair of breasts and i want to have sex with her. by the way she talks i think she would be great at giving head.

other then this girl, there exists at the moment several others i have my eye on in particular.
1. girl who is friend of girl my housemate is fucking (blonde)
2. girl who is friend of my flatmate last year (dark red hair)
3. girl who i met last year and havent seen since, but lives close enough to university to warrant me visiting her between lectures for sex (must chase this one up a bit more actively) (black skin, black hair)
4. girl who i never spoke to last year, but saw around, and is friends of my friends, and then started talking to and she really likes me but lives very far away (indian, black hair)
5. girl who is best friend of my best friend (brunette)

of course there are many others, the girls that satisfy my regular needs for sex, the girls im always texting but never actually see, the girls who always text me while i try to avoid them, etc.

HOWEVER
last night, i went out on another 'date'. Which was essentially a pub crawl. I think we went to four or five different pubs around town.
She is the barmaid in the local Wetherspoons pub (where me and my friends spend a great deal of time) and i was drunk enough to ask her for her number while she was pouring me a pint. i texted her and she seemed pretty up for going out, so we arranged it.
this girl can drink. she can drink like me.
i stumbled home last night quite early in the morning, drunk out my face. she lives five minutes from my house, so we caught the bus home from town together and everything. she is quite shy and timid, so it was mostly me talking at first, but after a couple of pints we really warmed to each other. the entire evening went amazingly. we kissed in the pubs, in the streets, on the bus, we held hands (ick..), poked fun at each other, cracked jokes, sung songs, everything. i had left the house forgetting to spray cologne on myself, and by the time i had met up with her probably stunk of cigarettes, sweat, beer, gin and beef burgers, but she would always lean in and tell me how nice i smelt.
it almost went too well.
i am getting slack. we got off the bus and i kissed her goodbye, and i found myself walking home with a smile on my face. in hindsight, this makes me feel quite uncomfortable. the last thing i want is to start feeling emotions for a girl. i just dont have the time right now.
will update again soon. i think we are going out again on sunday, or perhaps next week.

it's been a while

since last i posted. been very busy. feel the need to get my thoughts out, things have been building up.

the girl i went out on a date with, who i was convinced might be different and maybe worth actually spending time with, left my house a couple days ago. she came to live with us for a week.
she is an extra in a film adaptation of Anna Karenina by Tolstoy, (which is being directed by Joe Wright, stars Keira Knightley and is out in cinemas next year, for anyone interested) and she had to be in shepperton studios to film her scenes every day for a week. i live in south west london, which is closer to shepperton than where she lives, so she came to stay for a week. my housemates and my friends have all heard stories about the supposed girl that could get me to settle down, and they all seemed to like her.
Her living with us put me off.
she doesnt drink, at all. she would get back from a day filming and we would all be sitting around getting drunk, shed make a cup of herbal tea and then go lie in my bed. every night. i started off being chivalrous and sleeping on the sofa but i got progressively colder each night and ended up just sleeping next to her, after her requests for me to do so.
when she left after a week, she bought me a bottle of whiskey, some chocolates, and two thank-you cards. Two! who fucking buys two cards to say thank you to someone?
these gifts, her constant want for physical contact with me, and the fact that she requested i sleep next to her in bed, i took as signs that she likes me. i would try to kiss her and shed turn into it and give me a cheek, every time. i slept in the same bed as her for four nights, and did not even get a kiss on the lips.

now i thought about this, and at first i was quite confused. ive known this girl for months and months, why is she acting like this? why is she almost completely void of sex drive?
then it hit me. maybe its not her, maybe its me. ive been in school, then straight to college, and now straight into university. the girls i meet through these networks, are all young and free and sexual. this particular girl is a bit older, and has almost no involvement with university life. maybe its not her, maybe all the girls ive met are just still young. 

i thought this, then quickly found myself in a paradox. i want a mature girl, someone i can talk to about books and films and music, and this girl fits the criteria. however, im male, and i have needs. it quickly dawned on me that i have to pick between intelligence and amazing sex (or any form of sex, in this case.)

now im quite close with my mom. i love her dearly. she, along with alcohol and cigarettes, is the constant in my life. she is aware of my plight, my quest for the perfect woman. i think she is even proud of me for it, although why i do not know. i rang home the other night and we talked about it for some time, both of us quite inebriated. whenever one of us (usually her) brings up the topic of me finding a girlfriend, she provides me with the following theory. i will paraphrase and leave out her drunken nonsense.

whenever she speaks to one of her friends, who was in a relationship throughout university, they always say they regret it. the relationship never leads anywhere (further cementing my own theory of this fact) and they feel like they missed out on a lot of other opportunities to sow their seed, as it were.
my mom fully supports me remaining single throughout university, and also fully supports my secondary career choice to become a male escort (i was joking when i suggested this to her, but she seemed serious)

now whether or not her theory is true, or she is just saying it to me, i dont know. but i can see where she is coming from. a few of my housemates have girlfriends, and they just seem like such a hassle. i fail to see good points with any of them. they are wonderful people, and we all get along famously, but as girlfriends ive always been skeptical.

my one particular housemate, whom i shall refer to as W, i am very good friends with. he met his girlfriend several months after i met him, when we had got to know each other quite well. they had their honeymoon period, of course, but now when she rings him or texts him, or even while she sits next to him in our living room, i see this look in his eyes. its not hatred, or sadness, but more of a sense of hopelessness. he wants to break it off with her, but she loves him too much. we all know it would break her heart.
the look in W's eyes, reminds me of the look i used to get during the last months with my previous girlfriend (about four years ago), its a look of desparity, almost.
when it comes to their relationship, i feel only pity for both of them. its like they are trapped in this limbo of monotony, waiting for some sort of catalyst to either plunge them deeper into their relationship or split them apart from each other. i regularly use them as a prime example of why i dont want a relationship.

after observing such situations as this (there are others), and the wise words from my semi-drunken mother, i made a decision to remain a single man throughout university. im currently in my second year, and almost every day i meet a new girl. i cant keep up with myself sometimes, i forget about girls for weeks on end, only to stumble across them in my contact list and remember that im trying to sleep with them. especially last year, when i was living in halls of residence, i garnered a reputation for such behaviour, but ive noticed it seems to make girls more attracted to me. this is one of the many stupid things that girls do. if someone is renowned for sleeping around, surely girls would avoid him? but apparantly not, i have had sex with girls many times based on my reputation alone.
i would ponder this mid-sex, and find it quite funny.

i have a 'date' tonight. its not a true date, i dont think, because its with a girl that works in our local pub, where we go every thursday for a pub quiz. she was behind the bar, and i left last week with her number (and third place in the quiz out of sixteen teams) meaning to see her again. shes quite gorgeous.
tonight, is a week after ive met her, and she suggested we go for a drink in the same place where she works. i find this quite odd, but the pub serves good beer and its close to my house, so i cant complain.
i will update on how that particular meeting goes.

MEANWHILE
i find myself swamped in coursework, more ideas for the novel i'm writing building up in my head, and the need for food and alcohol tormenting me. i would go and get some breakfast right now, but i have nothing to eat and there is a strange man sleeping on the sofa downstairs. i shall chainsmoke for hours until he has left/woken up, then go and sate my hunger. until then, i shall play mindless computer games to take my mind off all the girls i need to sleep with.



it's a hard life.

i went on a date yesterday. it feels weird even typing those words.

she is four years older than me, and you can see it in her face. i like it.
she is half swiss, half welsh, and beautiful from head to toe. i found myself lost in her eyes more times then id care to admit.
we went to Covent Garden and watched street performers, then sat in a pub and talked about our childhoods, our families, books, plays, music and religion. I was interested in every word that came out of her mouth.

as far as Im concerned, she is almost perfect.
however, she's Christian. but not one of those self-righteous idiots that give the rest of the religion a bad name. we can sit and talk about it and (as far as i can tell) she is open about other ideologies. so it shouldnt be an obstacle, right?

now i just hope she doesnt believe in no sex before marriage. being around her gives me urges.

Ive been called a womaniser twice today. Once yesterday i think. I cant count the amount of times i get asked if 'this is how i treat all the girls.' its so frustrating. i wish there werent these social boundaries of how much sex people can have with each other, we would all be much better off. and itd help me forget about the fact that i cant find someone who suits me.

Moved into my new house a couple of weeks ago. Haven't done anywhere near as much work as I'd hoped.
By work, I mean laundry. I've got fuck all to do until my course starts at the end of september, but I still feel like I'm wasting time.
It is becoming increasingly obvious to me that I want/need a girlfriend. Most probably want. I'm directly opposed to all monogamous relationships, and all partnerships of any kind to be honest, but I find myself wanting a constant presence, someone I know will always be close by. Someone I can have sex with.
I know it's not just the sex, there's definetly a higher element to it, but I've spent the last couple years boycotting emotions and now I find myself desperate to feel them for someone. Believe me, unknown reader, it's the most irritating thing in the world.
We are all hypocrites, we are all shallow and selfish, and it makes us even more so inclined when we refuse to accept it.
I am fully aware of the fact that I want something I've actively hated for years. I dont know what to think about this.
But what I do know is that it's what I want right now and fuck what anyone thinks, no matter how long theyve known me to be how I am. There are a few girls I have in mind, but with them I get the feeling the fantasy is better than the reality.
What am i talking about, of course it is. It is with everyone.
And to make a relationship work you need to compromise and realise this fact, and get to know the real person underneath.
Which is one of the reasons i despise relationships. I dont want to get to know people. People are idiots.
People are fucking stupid and I want them to stay away from me.
And the minute i find someone who also knows this, I will be set for life.
But I never will, because people are too stupid.
And the cycle continues.

I'm going to bed.

Perfect

If this blog couldnt get any more self-indulgent.
ive been wanting to make a list of things that would make my perfect girl for a while now, somewhere visible so i can mull over it and further entrench myself in the idea that this girl, plainly and simply, does not exist.


She is funny. and not laugh-at-her funny.
She reads books. and not Twilight or that shit, i mean actual books. preferably enjoys noir and surrealist literature.
She can hold a decent conversation about topics beyond her own physical appearance
She is independent, but ultimately submissive. She doesnt need to text me every night, we have our own space, but she will do what i tell her.
She listens to more then one genre of music. and is open to listening to new things beyond her musical comfort zone (which should be quite broad regardless)
A couple of tattoos would definetly not go amiss.
She has to know her place as a woman, and be feminine in all aspects.
Ideally, she smokes. Or doesnt give a fuck that I smoke. By extension, she can roll cigarettes
Having slight bisexual tendencies would spice things up, past girlfriends with such tendencies have led to some interesting experiences
She knows when not to talk. i.e. she will shut the fuck up
Of course i want her to be physically attractive but if she ticks every other box on this list i dont think id care too much what she looks like. (i believe its hypocritical when people say they dont care about physical appeareance. everyone does and thats it)
She enjoys films beyond romantic comedies. preferably also less mainstream films, the more obscure the better. quoting lines from said films at correct times is also acceptable.
She swallows.
She doesnt live miles away, but she also doesnt live close enough that she thinks she can just pop round whenever she wants.
She doesnt do drugs
She will sit in with a 'lads night' and enjoy herself
Her judgements arent clouded by emotions
She isnt a complete idiot

Now if you are reading this and thinking im some sort of mysoginist pig,
1. you are right
and
2. my opinions are just based off girls in my life. all of them.

About five seconds ago

I realised the only reason I keep so many girls on the go at one time is because I'm looking for a certain one. I fucking hate women. I despise everything about them. But I want a girlfriend now, i think, after well over a year of meaningless sex. I just dont know if i can bring myself to be in a faithful relationship.
My last girlfriend was absolutely fantastic, everything a man could wish for. In every sense of the term. But every morning i'd roll over in bed, grab my phone and start texting other girls. I dont know why but I get the feeling itd happen again. I tell myself if i ever begin a relationship then ive got to be faithful entirely, but i stopped seeing the point in that long ago. human beings werent made to only be with one other person.
One of the best definitions of the perfect girlfriend is 'a best friend who you fuck' which is exactly what i think i need at the moment, only problem is i cant be best friends with any girl because they are all fucking idiots.
What really REALLY irritates me, is that the most idiotic ones think they are the best, and act like it. this means im usually not on their radar at all.
Now dont get me wrong, i dont want to be.
but i find myself wanting to shout at them how fucking moronic they all are and they need to realise that i am out of their league, not the other way round.
i dont want a girlfriend like that. i dont even sleep with girls like that.
my perfect girl doesn't exist. i think ill make a list of my desired attributes for the perfect girl in the morning

Last night

I slept with a girl Ive never met before, and will never meet again, while the country (now literally) falls apart around me. These riots are just getting worse, there is almost no signs of them stopping. It feels like a physical manifestation of whats been happening in my own head for the past year.
Every night I want to put a hoodie on and go out to join the crowds, but I dont know why.

I

can visibly experience the world falling to pieces around me, and no one else even seems to notice

I think

I just read 'Pretty Maggie Moneyeyes', a short story by Harlan Ellison, and part of it really connected with me. This man, Kostner, has drifted through his whole life with no real connections to people. He has relationships, social, sexual, emotional, what have you, but he is always alone. Never meets someone who truly understands him.

"Casual friendships, based on food, or sex, or artificial similarities. But no one to whom he could cleave, and cling, and belong."

Now i'm not saying this is me, but I understand this completely. especially in this fucking day and age where everyone is too busy obsessing over their fake tan and polo shirts to pick up a book or look at the stars. i'm a victim of my own generation, of course i get dragged into this sort of thing all the time. i enjoy being around people and it's the price i have to pay for it.
I cant shake this feeling that im superior to a lot of people. i dont like to think it, and im certainly not an arrogant person, but i know people older than me who have never picked up a book, who act like children with absolutely no thought to their own actions, who can't spell, who can't hold a conversation, who can't understand why im so fucking angry at the world all the time. what else am i supposed to think.

i want someone. of course, female, for what else does a man desire?
my generation of girls spend their entire lives being objects of desire for males who know no better.
a girl walks into the bar, skin glowing orange, hair freshly peroxided, wearing whatever stupid floral outfit is 'in fashion' at the moment, and men go crazy over her.
why does no one else see through this gigantic barrier of physical attributes and into the soulless, shallow, materialistic female that inevitably lies behind? They are victims of their own appearance, sometimes i feel sorry for them. having the social opinion of being beautiful is all they will ever have, until they grow old.
or get caught in a chemical fire.
and they have no idea.

meanwhile the status their beauty has afforded them has gone straight to their heads, meaning they dont even cast a glance in the direction of any male they arent immediately attracted to. this is a frighteningly close similarity to the premise of the film 'Idiocracy'.
i fucking hate my generation.

but then i fucking hate my dad as well, and everyone who is related to him by blood. including myself. i dont think there is one person in this world i dont hold even the smallest bit of utter contempt for.

and no one else understands! i try to explain, i really do. peoples minds are too small, too single-minded, to accept the vastness of the very situation they live and breathe in every day of their meaningless existences. and it will never, never change.
every day i become more and more convinced i will never settle down with someone because there does not exist a female on this planet who will ever fully understand me. certain girls 'get' certain bits of me, but never everything. i can look at a girl and have her sussed in the first ten minutes of meeting her. not because im particularly good at psychology, but because they are all so fucking transparent and shallow. its just easy.

so for now, i will continue having sex with girls i hate, for various reasons, and smoking myself into an early grave. this fucking world, i swear to god

Fucking hate the family dog

I think i have fleas

Sex with different girls can get boring. I kinda want a girlfriend. I want a best friend I can fuck.
Having a girlfriend will make other girls want to fuck me more. I have never understood girls and, along with the other half of the world's population, I never will.
They are stupid and idiotic and completely illogical and I couldn't live without them.
Like cigarettes.

The reason

Girl troubles are, of course, a main factor in my contributions to this.
Mostly that and my complete and utter contempt for my own generation.
Updates will be irregular, as if it matters.

I've been looking for somewhere to write my thoughts for a while, and have been toying with the idea of starting a blog but not really taking it seriously. Blogs are one of the many things i despise about modern soceity, but as with many other of these things I feel compelled to do them nontheless. It can get quite irritating being such a hypocrite all the time.
The reason I finally decided to start somewhere I can write my thoughts, began in 2009. It is a long arduous story, one I have replayed in my head far too many times to bear writing down, but as with most stories, it is a love story. One of despair. I spent two years of my life teetering on the brink of obsession over a girl. Emily. We met on the first day of college and I was completely and utterly infatuated with her. I spent the next two years daydreaming about her in classes, dreaming about her at night, to the point where I would wake up with my arms around my pillow. I would get on the bus every morning and hope to see her sitting at the back in her purple hoodie, smiling at me. We were good friends, and I don't believe in hiding (as I type this anonymous blog) so I would always come right out and tell her my feelings, but she would always take my words as sign of a close friendship instead. Ah the friend zone, the most deadliest of traps a man can fall into when spending time around a girl he loves. Sometimes I wouldnt see Emily for hours, sometimes days, sometimes weeks if both our schedules were busy, but every time I saw her it was the same. I'd freeze up, blush, stutter my words, say stupid things, and generally feel like Michael Cera. I hated it. I don't believe in relationships, I don't believe emotions are rational at all and they have no place in my life, I drift between faceless girls having meaningless sex and have done for years, since a certain incident when I was young that made me realise just how pointless and unnatural relationships are. I did however find another girl, who was the perfect girlfriend on paper and in practise whenever I look back on it. But she knew about my feelings for Emily, and there was always a tension in the relationship because she could tell just how deep I was in love. It didn't end well.
I went back to meaningless sex with girls I wasn't attracted to, probably in an attempt to forget about Emily.
That never worked.
Emily took away all my life rules, all my moral guidelines, and turned me into a wimpering mess whenever I saw her, and I hated it. I hated being totally and completely obsessed with her, but I couldn't help myself and it was worse because she never returned my affections. She kissed me on the lips four times and on the cheek six times in two years, I distinctly remember each time and why it happened. It always happened because I had done something sweet for her. That was it, all I'd get is a smile and a kiss on the cheek for tearing my heart out of my chest and holding it in blood-soaked, outstretched arms towards her.
In first year, she is still a virgin. I am, for reasons that far surpass the primal sex instinct, determined to be her first time. I want her to enjoy it, I want her to remember it, I want to know she is being taken care of. I can provide all these things for her. She ends up going out with a second year, who is captain of the rugby team and head of the 'top table' group (popular kids). the more I think while I type this, the more it sounds like a terrible American high school film. In typical fashion, he is a dick to her, she becomes more and more obsessed with him the worse he treats her, he eventually takes her virginity and then leaves her. I'm the shoulder she cries on. I would go home and have no shoulder to cry on.
I tell myself how good I could treat her. I tell my friends, who are already fully aware that she will have the best time of her life if she would only go out with me. I tell her, she brushes it off and thanks me for being such a good friend. It's painful. I will literally do anything I can for this girl. I'm not an idiot, but I have a very small grasp on the idea of romance, nevertheless I vow to do whatever I can for her, and nothing.
I turn up to her birthday party, the fancy dress theme was 'things from your childhood' so me and Nathan went dressed as paedophiles. I meet her mom, introduce myself, and upon hearing my name her mom gasps and steps back in shock. She cleans Emily's room and reads all the cards I send on Valentines Day, Christmas, past birthdays etc. I spent at least ten minutes on each card, selecting appropriate poems or Shakespeare extracts that she can relate to. Her mom agrees with me and the rest of the universe that we would be perfect together, but nothing.
I could keep going.
The last week ever of college, I'm round my friends house for our usual pasttimes of smoking weed and drinking Fosters, and I have an epiphany. It occurs to me in the space of about half a second, during a particularly intense game of Tekken, and I suddenly realise I have wasted the last two years of my life fauning over Emily, and in the meantime have ignored friends, destroyed my chances with a perfect girlfriend, spent far too much time and money trying to be nice to her, and getting nothing in return.
Me and the lads are queueing up outside one of the local clubs, she walks past with her friends and sees me. I say hi to her friend and use every ounce of my will to completely ignore her. She begins to cry. I feel powerful, free at last. We enter the club where I meet several of my girl-friends who have been following the story of me and Emily from day one. To make her feel worse, they all gather round me and grind to the music while making sure we are standing right next to her in the crowd. They were always good friends.
After that, I get one text the next day asking why I ignored her, I don't reply, and then nothing. Nothing at all. She makes absolutely no effort to repair our previously very strong friendship.
I happily delete her from facebook, safe in the knowledge that I will never have to deal with her again, I'm moving to London for university and so I will never have to see her again.
I spend my entire first year at university getting drunk every day and sleeping with girls. I have a great time.
Sometimes I'd think about how she was doing, but then tell myself to forget about her, and I did. It was quite easy, almost too easy.
I have come back home from London for the summer, and as always have traditionally gone to this same club, looking to maybe possibly find one girl in the sea of gyrating fake-tanned flesh who isn't completely in love with herself. I never do when I go there. I don't know why I go there.
This particular night, I'm having a casual conversation with a few friends at the bar, and see her behind me. She notices me at several points in the night, I ignore her gaze all night and get daggers stared into my skull. She knows I chain-smoke, so waits for me outside and asks to talk. I initially refuse and storm off, but after seeing her everything comes flooding back and I spend the rest of the night searching the club for her. We talk outside for maybe half an hour, I tell her how much I was in love with her and how much I despised myself and then how much I despised her when I realised she had wasted two years of my life. She sits there and listens, a lot more attentively then I think she would've done at college. We hug, exchange numbers, and now all I can think about is her again. I have spent the last year of my life climbing out of a pit, and in one night I have fallen right back to the bottom again. I'm not back in London until october, which means I will find myself texting her at stupid times in the morning when I'm incoherently drunk, confessing my feelings and never getting at least a reply.
That, basically, is the reason I started this blog. So I can type things like that and it at least feels like I'm telling someone.

I need somewhere to write my thoughts, I guess I'll pretend people read it and care. There's something about knowing this can be read publicly that helps me open up.