It's funny how much can happen in such a short space of time.

Haven't posted in a while, here is the update:
Faced rejection from girl, hated self more than usual. One of the good things about the fact that she said she didn't want to see me anymore, was that it really showed me who my friends are. When word got around we were no longer 'courting', my friends really stepped up and helped me out. I love my friends.
One of them, decided I needed to forget about everything, and so bought me a ticket to Bestival.
For anyone who doesn't know, Bestival is a music festival on the Isle of Wight. We were there for three or four days, there must've been about twenty of us give or take.

Now there's a girl, I've known her for years, and I've always thought she was gorgeous. She is the best friend of my best friend's girlfriend, if that makes sense. She's sort of popped up into my life every now and then, and I always sort of playfully flirted with her but never expected it to go anywhere. She was at Bestival. So I continued to flirt with zero expectations, and also didn't put too much effort into it because I hate having sex at festivals. So dirty.

But we kissed, and ended up spending most of the festival together.
We got back to London and nothing much changed. We spent a lot of time together. I forgot about everything else.

I even thought the first time we had sex would've had to mean something, with my developing feelings for her, but it was so natural it's like we'd been together for years.

We are together now. I asked her to be my girlfriend at 12:33am, the morning of Thursday the 27th of September.
And I've never been happier.

Feeling less and less inclined to update this now I don't have to document my self-hatred and depression, because both of them are pretty much gone.

For now anyway, let's see how this goes.

Still feeling pretty torn up about this particular girl. Last night I dreamt about her.
I had another, separate dream, in which I was above a city with someone, I don't remember who they were, but we were both looking down onto the roads and into houses, and people were dying. They were being torn apart and they were screaming and the ground was opening up and I watched them fall down through the streets and under the ground was just pure fire and I watched the whole population of a city burn. I watched children in a school have their limbs torn off and there was this one girl who looked up at me with half a face, then the ground gave way beneath them and they all fell down screaming and I watched the fire burn their flesh and scar them and disintegrate them. It was a horrible dream.

just got back from the pub. been sitting there with a large number of my closest friends for a while, and all i wanted to do was get home. this is horrible, i can't even be around my best friends at the moment. i don't know whats wrong with me but i know full well it has something to do with being rejected by the only girl who has showed any interest in me, not just my penis but my mind. i know they are all thinking how different i am and i know its true but theres nothing i can do about it, that girl was my ticket out of this fucking hell that i live in. she was my golden ticket on the double N train.
and now she doesnt want to see me anymore i'm stuck, stuck in a rut of having sex with girls i hate, if i even have the time off from being too busy hating myself.
ive got back from the pub and decided i'd masturbate, and ive never felt more pathetic in my entire life

Haven't been posting because I've been so busy moving house and sorting out my finances and everything.
I've been seeing the girl for a few months now. She's perfect.

I just met her in town and we sat down to talk and she told me she doesn't want to see me anymore. I held it together perfectly with her. As soon as I left her I started crying. I sat in the middle of town on a bench and cried and had a few cigarettes. She was the only thing that made me happy and now I can't have her anymore. I am alone and sometimes if I think too much about it, I really want to kill myself.

Back in London

I've been so busy since I got back from Scotland, haven't had time to write anything here.
I've just sat down and read the last post I typed, which reminded me how painful it was to be in Scotland.
So since I've been back, here's the update:

Arrived back from Scotland to London on Thursday. Went to sleep.
Friday, got drunk with my friends in their house.
Saturday, got drunk with my friends in their house.
Sunday, I saw the girl. I'll come back to this.
Monday, saw a separate girl I'd arranged to come over so I could have sex and get it out my system. I'd been in Scotland for so long, and without sex, the condom literally disintegrated inside her and we had to drive to the clinic to get her a morning after pill. Thank God, I'm so broke at the moment there's no way I could've afforded it. She took the whole situation seriously and maturely and I'm glad I'd chosen her to fuck first when I came back. Other girls may have been a different story.
---

Reading what I wrote while I was in Scotland, about the girl, makes perfect sense to me now. I can say, since I have been back and I've been in her presence and held her and kissed her, that I have very deep seated affections for her. If I am in the same room as her, I need to be sitting near her, to hold her hand or have my hand on her leg or something. I need contact with her at all times.

I watched the Dark Knight Rises with my brother today. I think Christopher Nolan is a fantastic director despite his recently acquired penchant for over-budget super cinema, and I thoroughly enjoyed the film, but I could not stop thinking about this girl. We had arranged to meet after the film finished and we had a drink and then went back to her house.

We were talking with our friends in her house, and she made an off the cuff comment about "Well, me and XXX might as well go upstairs then." I smiled, for she was talking about me of course. I had a cigarette and she took me by the hand and lead me up to her room, and before I knew it we were kissing. I held her tight to me and kissed her and she took off her clothes and I put my mouth on her body and my hands between her legs and it felt utterly exhilarating. I'm sure I have mentioned before that this situation has happened with some girls and I have been completely bored, but with this girl, this woman, I was engrossed. Nothing else mattered to me in the world. The way she quietly moaned as I sucked at her, I will remember for a very long time.
I purposely did not have sex with her. I don't want to rush anything. I don't know where this is going.
Which leads me on to my next point.
We kissed passionately for some time, I made her climax without removing her trousers, then we lay together and I put my arms around her and kissed her and it felt perfect.
Then she turned to me and told me that she thinks I like her more than she likes me.
This, I was aware of before. I knew this anyway.

I have spent my whole life falling for girls who don't give a shit about me, and sleeping with everyone else to try and make up for it. The fact that she likes me at all, is good enough for me.
She said she was confused, and she doesn't know what we are doing. I told her I feel the same.

Imagine coming out of a relationship for four years, and suddenly you are single. What would you do with yourself? Well I am the exact opposite, I've been single for four years and perfectly comfortable with it and all of a sudden this girl appears and we have something genuine together. I am very, very confused.

But I want it to go somewhere, I do. I just don't know where.

Sorry

I haven't posted in a while. Don't know who I'm apologising to, no one reads this as far as I know. I don't mind, this is more somewhere for me to get things off my mind. Part of me romanticises it into something other people will want to read, but I really doubt that.

So I'm still in Scotland. I am staying for 32 days overall, I have one week left. I can't wait to get back. I haven't had sex since the day before I left and it's absolutely killing me. This is one constant in my life.

The girl I mentioned in my last post, I am still thinking about regularly. She is utterly gorgeous. There are certain conflicts between us, but as far as I know it's nothing major. She doesn't like Tom Waits, for example. I think he is a genius. These are minor concerns.

Our mutual friends consistently ask me how it is going with 'us'. Apparently it's quite a big deal for everyone.
I can kind of see why, I know for a fact that if my facebook status ever changed to "in a relationship" no one would believe it. I'm not that sort of person, never have been. But she makes me want to be. She makes me want to stop talking to every other girl and throw myself at her and tell her how much I care about her and shower her with gifts and drop myself into extreme poverty as long as my money is being spent on her.

I have been in Scotland for so long, I can't remember what my best friends look like. Being in Scotland has the added disadvantage of the following:
I ask myself this question regularly. It is a huge dilemma in my present life. Ready?

Do I, in fact, like this girl as much as I tell myself? She is beautiful, there is no doubt about that. She reads a lot of books, and that is both a rarity and a sought-after characteristic in a woman for me. (I read a lot of books and find it depressing that no one else does). She is witty, clever, undeniably a fantastic person.
However I have been away for so long, and apart from my male companions (who I am dying to see again, I have a very special bond with some of them and I long for same-gender company as much as I long for the warmth of a woman) I have nothing to look forward to when I return. Am I, for want of a better phrase, putting her on a pedestal? Am I creating in my head these affections because I need something to look forward when I return?

I have thought this many nights. I simply cannot tell. The only way I will be able to discern whether or not my affections for this girl are true, or a fabrication of my mind, which is currently locked away in the purgatory of north-west Scotland, is to wait until I get home and see her. I will, without a doubt, take her in my arms and kiss her and tell her she is beautiful and this will all be from the heart. I know deep within me that I cannot wait to see her. But after that, the more complex of my emotions, are just that. Complex. I need to sit with her and look her in the eyes and then I will know how true to myself I am being.

There is no doubt in my mind this girl is flawless. That is objective. That is fact. That is as true as the sky I stare at as I smoke cigarettes outside a pub, as the earth I walk on towards a cash point, or the pavement I feel under my feet as I step off a bus. This girl being perfect is as much fact as the keys my fingers are tapping on to produce these words you now read.
But my emotions towards her are much more complicated.

I have this image, in my head. I wouldn't say it's a premonition, as I cannot be sure it will happen. I suppose it is more of a fantasy.

The book I have bought her from the second-hand market in Scotland. Her favourite book. The unrevised, raw edition of Lady Chatterley's Lover published in 1944. I have this image of me handing it to her, modestly of course, telling her I hope she likes it. (I will not tell her how much I paid for it. I will not say here how much I paid for it. I believe she is worth it.)
She receives the book and I see this sparkle in her eyes. She has these wide, beautiful eyes.
She takes the book, examines it briefly, and then puts it to one side and flings her arms around me.

That is all I want. I cannot think of anything else I would rather happen to me, ever in my life. I want to see her smile and I want her to embrace me.

I read these words back as I type them. They intimidate me. This girl intimidates me. I am utterly and completely frightened, through and through, of this girl. This woman.


If there is one thing I am good at, it is not caring. About women.
I have spent several years of my life actively building up the ability to not give a shit about women.
Five or six years ago, I would care very much what happened to girls I am attracted to.
Now, I find it the easiest thing in the world to simply turn away and forget all about them. It is as easy to me as flicking a cigarette, or finished the last inch of beer in my pint glass. I think nothing more of it.

This particular girl, has me caring about her to such an extent that I dream about her.
She is in my dreams! This is almost unprecedented. I have not experienced an object of my affections within my dreams for some time, and the last time it happened, it did not end well. I am still reeling from the last time.

So this time, it has shocked me. I am constantly on guard.

I have absolutely no desire for my heart to be broken again. It is the most painful feeling anyone can ever witness. I would rather be shot, stabbed, beaten up, raped, torn apart, blown up, burnt alive, buried alive, then for my heart to be broken again. I mean these words seriously.

And perhaps this is the cause of my concern, of my indecision towards this girl.
Maybe my subconcious does not want me to immerse myself in affection for her, when really it is acting as a dam, a represas, as the Spanish say. Maybe it is holding back a torrent of emotion that I would otherwise be feeling for her. She is, after all, perfect.

Or maybe I am creating affections that do not exist, because I have no other place to direct them.

I simply cannot tell.

So last night I dreamt that my brother died. It was horrible, we are very close.
Then I woke up at about 3 in the morning.
Then I fell back asleep and had another, separate dream, about this girl.
It was only me and her throughout the dream, usually this is quite rare; my dreams mostly contain a bizarre collection of people I have met over the years. But last night, it was just me and her, sitting on a bench in the youth hostel in Scotland where I am currently staying. I was wearing a cowboy hat. She looked beautiful, as usual. She told me I was her boyfriend. We kissed and then I woke up, and I remember having a huge smile on my face.
Looks like I want to be in a relationship, then.

Haven't updated in a while, I've been so busy.

I am currently on a university field project in Ullapool, in the north-west of Scotland. In the middle of nowhere, far away from all my friends, from my home, and I am stuck here for a month at least.
Far away from females.

Far away from this particular girl.
Now I am fully aware of the content of my posts since I began this blog, however long ago it was.

(Why is Google Chrome giving the word 'blog' a red underline as I type it? Surely that would be in its dictionary by now..)

And I am fully aware that I have been looking, maybe consciously, maybe not, for a relationship. Despite my views towards them. I think I have been looking in the wrong places, looking at the wrong girls.
Maybe I still am, I am completely unsure.
I'm no good at relationships, I don't think. I thought I was really good at the last relationship I had, but looking back on it I really wasn't. I cheated on her with her best friend since they were both like 5 years old. And she came up to me outside a pub two years after we had broken up and told me how shitty I was as a boyfriend.
Which doesn't exactly fill me with confidence, but I know that was all in the past, I honestly think I have it in myself now to make a good partner, I think I can be loyal and caring if it's brought out in me.
I need someone to direct my affections towards.
The particular girl, the subject of my last two or three posts, is a spectacular young woman.
Today I went to a market on the coast and there was a little book shop, and I bought her a book called The First Lady Chatterley. When D.H. Lawrence wrote Lady Chatterley's Lover he produced three versions, the third one was the most tame and the only one published to the public. This book, sitting next to me now, is the first version, the most raw version, that came straight from his pen to his paper, with no amendments, that was somehow published in 1944 with a unique foreword by his wife.

I hope she likes it.

I find myself thinking more about this girl.
There are many girls in my life, and I have varying relationships with a lot of them. Some of them are just sexual relationships, purely using each other. Some of them are completely platonic. Some of them, I have feelings for, but live too far away or are in relationships themselves. There are a few girls I honestly care for, but apparently if there is more than one, it can't be true. They're a weird bunch.

But this one girl. I am caring less and less about other girls by the day. I want her, I think.
I was discussing this over a pint with some friends yesterday. One of them told me I am "maturing emotionally."
I think this may be the key. I'm not stupid enough to just have sex with girls for the rest of my life. I want something more.
Maybe this girl is it?

so the 'date' went very well last night. she's beautiful.
she's also a feminist.

the other night, when our friend told me if something scares me, I should do it. This is scaring me. I think I'm going to persevere. Last night I got back really drunk and took down the naked girl posters in my room.

I was sitting in the pub with her, talking about feminism. As far as I know, she hasn't heard or been told about my extreme misogynist views. I asked her if I'm not a feminist, what am I, and she said "a bit of a dick."
She's funny and charming too. She feels good to kiss.

Somehow the topic of abortion came up, and she started talking. She is very opinionated on abortion. There was this glimmer in her eye when she was talking.. I found it very attractive.

I can tell she likes me, but I really don't know why. I'm anxious to go any further because I don't want to disappoint her when she finds out more about me.

I don't know what I'm doing at the moment. I'm conflicted. But maybe I need a change? I'm shaving my head today, which is symbolic I suppose.

So tonight I'm taking a girl out for a drink. She's lovely. She's the best friend of my best friend's girlfriend. We have known each other for a while but usually at gatherings/parties where I am drunk and obnoxious, and subsequently I'm pretty sure she doesn't think too highly of me, although I am informed otherwise by mutual friends.

It would appear that people have started noticing that I'm upset a lot of the time recently, I have been given several different and contradicting pieces of advice about what to do with myself.
Last night we were in the pub, about twenty of us, including the girl I'm seeing tonight. I ended up having a one-to-one with a close friend of ours, who always seems to impart me with knowledge.
She said I should do the things I'm scared to do.
Now I'm definitely scared to embrace any sort of relationship. I feel like I need it, and I reckon I'd be good at it. But it's been years since I had any sort of long-lasting connection with a woman.

And there's a girl back home. She means a lot to me. But I go home maybe twice, three times a year. I don't get to see her much. Part of me wants to hold back and see where it goes with her, but it would be so difficult trying to make it work considering I live in a different part of the country.
She's amazing but I feel like I should just let it go and focus more on where I am right now.
Which would mean seeing this girl.


I'm going to see how tonight goes, try and make up my mind whether or not I want to abandon my entire life philosophy for the past four years and start dating girls again.

Haven't had time to post in a while. Been busy. Exam season, coursework deadlines. It's so depressing.

So I went to Spain for two weeks, then got back and had loads of sex with this girl.
My friends tell me I like her. Her friends tell me I like her. I'm not so sure myself, I think we just fuck a lot. I hope, anyway. She's got an arranged marriage at the end of this month so it's irrelevant either way.
She did, however, take me to Torture Gardens (google it) with her friend, who is also stunningly beautiful.

Afterwards we went back to her flat and had a threesome. It was by far the best threesome I have had.

I'm going back through a phase of seeing couples in the street and getting jealous. At least I think it's jealousy. I went out with some of my closest friends the other night, and while walking to the pub I looked around and realised I was surrounded entirely by couples. All my best friends have some sort of relationship with each other, and then I found myself completely alone. I am with them, of course, we are all very close with each other, but I found myself alone. Sometimes I feel like I always will be.

ive wanted sex

since i got back to wolverhampton two weeks ago. i had sex today. she came round my house and took her clothes off and she was wearing a full set of lingerie, silk stockings, etc. she put her glasses on for me because she knows i like that. she has the most impressive pair of breasts i have laid eyes and lips on.

and i was so, completely, bored.

my grandfather's funeral is in two days.

this weekend, i've fallen a little bit in love. ive come back to wolverhampton for the easter holidays and to see all my friends, there's a particular special girl i've been dying to see for a while. we are very close friends and get along very well. she has been having boyfriend troubles, and so i took her out on the town for a night. we had an excellent time, and i left her at 4 o clock in the morning with the largest love bite on my neck i have ever received. me taking her out, prompted her boyfriend to end their already turbulent relationship. she texted me and told me, with exclamation marks and smiley faces all over the place. i proceeded to take her out again, the next night, as she is now single. she cries about him.
what am i to do?

my grandad died yesterday. im already having a pretty shit time at the moment as it is, without this tragic loss.
he was a good man

as far as i can tell

ive recovered from my small bout of heavy depression. or at least, it's gone back inside me.
i can deduce from this that whiskey makes me very, very sad. i like whiskey, it's a shame.

SO i paid this girl a visit yesterday, ive only slept with her a couple of times but we are very fond of each other as sexual partners. god knows why she likes me, but she is an absolute dream. she's canadian, with indian heritage (which you must understand is still a novelty for a white english male who spent the first few years of his sex life sleeping with white english females). She has quite a thick Canadian accent, when i have sex with her i feel like i'm in a porn film because of the way she sounds when she talks/moans.

I sent her a text message when I was on her street walking to her house, and her reply was the following, dictated directly from my phone:
"door's open, help yourself to beers in the fridge!... I wont be too much longer"

As I crack a can of delicious polish lager, she emerges from her bedroom (it's a one story flat) wearing an LBD and thigh high leather boots. She makes sure my beer is alright, hands me a cigar, and then sits me down and kneels in front of me. Needless to say I'm having a great time. After a while she tells me the boots aren't coming off so I need to rip her tights open if I want to fuck her. This goes on, and we get progressively filthier with each other. In between sex, she makes me chicken chorizo rice and mixes up Fidel Castros with a slice of lime coated in brown sugar on the side of the glass.This girl is classy.

I arrive home later that evening and tell one of my housemates about my day. And he says that some guys would literally kill for what Id just experienced, that it would be the happiest day of their lives.
For me it was just quite a nice day.

Just lucky I guess.

im crying right now. everywhere i look is hair clips and earrings and used condoms that have been left behind from girls who have stayed the night in my bed, and its the most depressing thing ive ever seen

apparently when i snore, i sound like i'm dying. maybe i am.

i cant even bring myself to say the word love. ive just watched the fucking star wars prequel trilogy and all the lovey dovey scenes with anakin and padme (there are a LOT) have made me want to cry. not throw up, like when i usually see this shit. i want to cry. i went to the shop to buy rizla and spent five minutes leaning up against my neighbour's fence on the walk home, just crying to myself. i saw a couple, down the street from when i was walking, i couldnt even see their faces but they were holding hands, and i cried to myself.
this blog is slowly documenting my descent into the abyss of depression and loneliness that i feel every single time any sort of emotion is shown to me through media, or in person. my best friend's girlfriend is round our house all the time, and they have such a shitty relationship, but every night he gets to go to bed and someone is there for him to put his arms around. i want that. i feel horrible, i hate myself at the moment, i hate the way i look, i hate the way i talk to people, i hate the way people see me, i hate the degree i'm trying to push myself through, i hate the plans i have for after i finish it, i hate my clothes, i hate my bedroom, i hate all the habits ive spent years forming, i hate everyone i see on the streets, i hate. i just hate, i think. i dont know what else to add after that. i just hate.

earlier i started crying but everyone in the room was too busy watching a film to notice.

i want someone to talk to, but no one will ever really know where i'm coming from. ive been holding back these feelings for so long now, years i think. they are leaking out of my body and there is nothing i can do to stop them and it feels fucking disgusting, i am ashamed of myself

i've come to the conclusion

that i am very, very lonely. i see couples in the street, people kissing on TV or in films, someone mentions love in any situation. i get this sinking feeling.
girls i sleep with have started telling me i'm getting too cuddly. i mean, what the fuck.
girls tell me i cuddle too much.


how fucked is that.

i find it suitably ironic, and extremely depressing, that i am not only adverse to both emotions and relationships, but am finding myself showing emotions towards people because of a lack of a relationship. it's horrible irony.

logic, 0.

so its getting really out of hand. she seems to believe everyone is out to get her, and she doesn't trust a word anyone says. she has taken to talking bad about her best friends behind their backs. we have to tip toe around her whenever we hang out with her because the slightest thing she doesnt like just sets her off and she falls out with us for days. it's horrible.

obviously if i say something, and it is not interpreted by the female in question as nice, she will take offence to it. the thing is, females take offence to EVERYTHING. im not going to maintain a close and healthy relationship with you for months on end and then suddenly say something horrible to you, and this is one of the most basic and fundamental flaws in the mindset of females.
they cant understand what was trying to be said, only their interpretation of what they heard. 

to continue

from the musings of the other day..

Basically, me and two friends have started up a non profit organisation to promote upcoming hip hop artists around London. now to begin it's the three of us, me, my best friend, and our mutual and very close friend (who is female.) This is the same female who is 30 years old who i have been sleeping with for a couple months.
Now when she suggested we start up this organisation, i was already a bit wary. I want to do it, definitely, but the prospect of conducting regular and consistent business with someone im sleeping with.. did not appeal to me.

Everythings going fine, we have our first recording session next month to take cameras and video to a gig in central London and record everything that happens, we will be interviewing artists and featuring them on our website, blah blah blah.
Now around this time last month, maybe a few weeks ago, I gave this girl the first orgasm she'd had in a long time. She is 30, so i dont know how long she means when she says that, but that's what she said.
And since then, she has started acting like such a fucking psycho. I mean a PROPER psycho.

The other day we went for one of our usual drives into central london, to eat some food, go shopping, she pops into her cleaning company building to sort out some admin, whatever. We ended up arguing all the way home and i dont even know what we were arguing about. she has just started taking whatever i say and whatever i do and turning it into the worst possible version, and throwing it back at me.
Or she will be completely fine to my face, and i'll think 'oh thank god maybe shes back to normal'
then as soon as she gets home she sends me these huge convoluted facebook messages explaining why she wasnt happy with whatever id been doing that particular day, despite smiling and kissing me and offering me spliffs the entire time.

I cant handle this shit. i wish id never slept with her. i want this business to get off the ground and start running properly, start promoting new artists and associating with established acts. i want all this to happen, while i'm still doing a completely unrelated course at university, while i'm writing a novel, while i'm trying to write my own music. i can just about juggle all these things together, but what i cant do is constantly have my business partner and co-founder be fucking INSANE.
the other day she even asked me if she had turned psycho since i gave her that orgasm. i answered yes, and she laughed like it was nothing. and she continues to act the same towards me.
i wouldve thought, if a woman hadnt had an orgasm in 'a long time', once she finally had one itd just relax her even more and stop her caring so much about shit. like getting really high, or something.

but no, apparantly it makes you absolutely crazy, causes you to defy all logic, become a hypocrite, and generally a bit of a bitch.

went to a feminist meeting

the other day. it was horrible. just a bunch of self righteous hairy lesbians talking about how people only see them as self righteous lesbians (the hair was more of an elephant in the room). the amount of time i spent in the meeting was disproportionate to the amount i needed a cigarette when i left. some of my friends are active feminists and i got dragged along. now im glad i went, coz i know never to go again.

MUSINGS FOR THE DAY:
at college there was a girl. i was deeply and utterly in love with her. i would tell her regularly how willing i was to give her my world, to spend all the money i had on her just to make her smile, just how devoted i was to her happiness. she would regularly brush off these advances and tell me she just enjoyed being friends and nothing more.
im currently fucking this one girl, who loves the filthy stuff. i write abrasive and degrading words on her body with her lipstick, tie her up and gag her and then fuck her, light up a cigarette in her non-smoking flat, and then leave immediately afterwards and dont text her until i want sex again. and she is in love with me. she tells me she will do anything for me, and i treat her like absolute dirt.

women of the world, your logic is flawed

Really, really good day

yesterday. The 30 year old im currently fucking took me out into central London, where she has lived all her life. It's the first time ive travelled into central in a car, and apart from the freezing cold it was a nice day, the sun was out, etc. she bought a big bag of weed before we set off so we were smoking all day. we drove through the estates in hammersmith, through the high streets in central, past the Albany (one of my growing favourite pubs in central) and around Islington. she bought me a three course Mediterranean dinner and then we went to see Chronicle in the cinema (it's alright, could've been better). then she had to make a quick stop at the business she owns, and no one was in because it was late at night, so while she was sorting out jobs and stuff she left me in the main lounge, it was a big georgian room with a grand piano in the corner that i sat and played to myself.
the house can get pretty messy and my old house is much too far away to just pop down for a weekend, so i'm always stuck here.  it was nice to get away.

Brighton Tattoo Convention

was yesterday, i had a brilliant time. Walking round all day staring at literally some of THE most beautiful girls i have ever seen, all tattooed up, tiny little outfits, i was in heaven. But it quickly dawned on me i hadn't had sex in coming up to a month, so i needed to do something about it.

this morning i called on one of my regulars, a girl i met at university. no one really likes her, and i dont really like her either. but she texted me first, and i wanted sex, so i headed over.
shes fucking crazy. she has depression (apparantly), and shes really fucked up in the head. she talks about suicide a lot. the plus side to this is that she is a filthy little girl, who lets me do all sorts of depraved things to her, hence why she is one of my regulars. shes quite attractive, average build, disproportionately large breasts, nice ass with enough flesh on it while keeping her waist pretty slim.. she is in the rowing team and netball team, so she has quite an athletic tone to her body. shes just almost clinically insane.
i got to her house and put my wallet and cigarettes down on top of a pile of prescriptions and empty drug packets, and proceeded to degrade her and generally be completely dominating. i was literally mid-fuck and she starts crying and turns away from me.
it will always escape me how girls can suddenly not be in the mood for sex, in the middle of sex.
i rolled a cigarette and lay down on her bed, even though her flat is non-smoking.
eventually i put my clothes on, and i was about to leave, when i was watching her get dressed and decided to fuck her again. so i bent her over, and we had sex for about five minutes before she turns away from me again and lies down.
her ex-boyfriend had been texting her all day and ringing her, and she crawled across the bed to answer the phone even though from what i can tell she obviously doesnt like him.
i pretended to be mad at her and left, and shes been texting me saying sorry ever since.

i left her flat and went to mcdonalds to order my usual chips and two burgers (you get one free with a student card) and this song came on the speakers. i think it was Katy B or someone. the lyrics went something like "these boys arent on a level, believe me, i cant find a man to please me" or something.
That irritated me. those sort of songs irritate me anyway, but especially so today when i heard that.

i still cant work out why, but it irritated me.

SO

been back in the london house for just under two weeks now, it's exam season. ive got one left on friday and then i have ten days of complete freedom.
as predicted, i feel much better now i'm back here. the day i got back, a lot of my friends came round and we got very drunk and laughed and joked and then i passed out, i had a great time. i cant tell what made me so sad over the holidays, the lack of alcohol or the lack of people. i do spend a lot of time by myself, because i enjoy it, and i only ever really drink alcohol when there are other people around, (although i wish that wasnt the case) so i dont know where it came from really.
had sex yesterday. it's her 30th birthday today. that makes her ten years older then me. we are very close friends, who just happen to fuck every now and then. she's a lovely girl.

THE MAIN REASON
im writing this post tonight, is because, as usual, i have been thinking.

the other night, my housemates all went out. i had an exam the following morning so i stayed in, they promised to be quiet but apparantly alcohol and ketamine makes you an obnoxious irresponsible person and they all came back and woke up the entire house and got us a noise complaint from next door at four o'clock in the morning. anyway, they all sat in a bedroom upstairs, across the corridor from me, oblivious to their noise. i lay in bed and heard them having a particularly deep discussion, fuelled by class A drugs. they were chatting shit for a while but then the conversation turned to relationships, as my housemate has just come out of a three year stint with some girl (god knows how he did three years, and didn't cheat on her once. hes a better man then me) i heard my name mentioned, and my ears pricked up of course. i couldnt hear much but i distinctly remember hearing one of my housemates say i need a girlfriend, and the rest of them agreeing. apparantly i need someone to 'keep me under control', were the words i heard.
now my only experience with ketamine is spending the last three years surrounded by people who take it, and watching their eyes go big and their attention spans decrease rapidly. i dont know how it affects what you say, but he said it none the less.
NOW i think i can see where he was coming from, i was in a room with about twenty people the other day, probably an even split between males and females, we were all laughing and drinking, and i looked around and realised that i had had sex with every girl in the room, apart from the one sitting on my lap. (im working on her, she's an absolute beauty. will update on that as it happens)

but is that a bad thing? i enjoy sex.

THEN i thought, and have been thinking ever since, and for sometime before. once ive had sex with a girl, i kind of lose interest. i meet a girl, and either see her as a walking vagina, or as a potential girlfriend. then once ive had sex with her, i dont really care anymore. that's bad isnt it?

i think i want a girlfriend. my housemate and best friend has spent all day today lying in bed with his girlfriend. his room is on the ground floor, and he ordered food to the house and collected it through the window so they could eat together without getting out of bed. i think i want that. i think i want someone who is always texting me and making sure i'm ok, someone who cares about me. someone who wants to come round and get drunk with me and my friends and then go up and fall asleep in my bed and wait for me to go and join her later so we can kiss and fall asleep. someone who will still be there in the morning.

and so here is my dilemma. i have inadvertently created a persona for myself, among people who know me, as someone who will never have a girlfriend. I am, still, opposed to the idea of monogamy, and express this opinion freely and with no regard to my audience. i think this has made it hard for people i know to believe i'm being serious, if i told them this.

everything i write here, is all in my head. i never tell anyone.

and so this has left me with the position of potential girlfriends only being girls i have met outside of my friendship groups, girls numbers i have acquired at various points, or met somewhere, etc.

currently there are three particular specimens i have my eye on.
number one, is a german girl in the year below me at university. she seems wonderful but she is going back to germany permanently 'at some point before april' so im not holding out much for her. wouldnt mind sleeping with her though.
number two, i might have mentioned here before, i met her while she was pouring me a pint in one of our local pubs. went out for a drink with her and arrived drunk out of my face, we hit it off pretty well, and as far as i can tell she wants to see me again, but she is terrible at texting me back, like really bad, sometimes it takes her a day to reply to my messages, and so i can never get anywhere trying to organise anything. definitely want to sleep with her, she has a look in her eyes like she'd be a devil in bed.
number three, i know i have mentioned before. ginger girl, met her while she poured me a pint (in a completely separate pub to number two). went out with her once, got steaming drunk, laughed and joked, held hands, she lives near me and so we got the bus back from town together and kissed goodbye, and she text me when she got home. i want to see her again. it's been months since i saw her last now. she seems to have lost interest, i text her regularly to try and maintain a sense of being, to remind her i'm still around. before christmas, around the time we went out, she was brilliant at texting back. under five minutes, every time. now, i text her, usually dont get a reply at all. why? she says she is busy with her ucas, which is true because shes talking about it with her friends all over facebook. but if i was doing my ucas and she text me, id drop it on the spot and text her back.
this small but meaningful gesture (or rather, lack of gesture) has led to a steep drop in my self esteem. am i not good enough? this girl does not know me, or any of my friends, she doesn't know that i have a reputation for sleeping around, i have been funny and charming to her so consistently, and it appears she has lost interest.

so this is just who i am now. this is what i think about. it's depressing on such a tremendous level.
people ask me why i drink so much